Happy 21st Birthday Selena Gomez! While we’ll never really know what you wish for when you blow out your candles tonight, I can only assume that it’s going to be an unsolicited letter of advice from an unknown blogger who you’ve never met. I might not be 21 anymore, but it’s not so far in my past that I’ve forgotten what you want on that special day. Why I remember when I turned 21, I called everyone older than me and said “please advise me in every which way possible, from careers to relationships to how I wear my hair, seriously leave nothing out!” Also I took a variety of shots, threw up down my shirt and remember putting up a valiant fight against my roommate who insisted I shower off my vomit before getting into bed. Oh to be young again!
So with that in mind, I’d like to take the next 5000 – 10,000 words to talk to Selena about her on-again-off-again relationship with Justin Bieber and how not okay it is anymore. Look, when they first started dating, I went for it in a total “whatever, I don’t even know who they are” way. Mostly because it’s wildly uncool to openly disapprove of couples with birthdates in the ’90s. Studies day that it makes you look like a total looney tune to be anywhere close to caring about them. So I went along with their coupledom and pretended like it had no impact on my life that a rising star like Selena would date an insufferable brat like Justin. “Is it a soft J in Jelena?” I’d innocently ask friends in an attempt to evade the fact that I knew everything about them and their relationship, “or is it more g-like, like GELena?”
But then last year everything changed for Selena Gomez. She went from being someone your younger cousin talked about in passing to someone your grandmother inquired about after seeing her on the cover of magazines. She became a household name. And that’s no doubt partially related to her extremely high profile relationship with Justin Bieber. So she definitely got something out of dating him. But after achieving household name status, she went on to help Adidas launch their Neo label, star in Spring Breakers and release the hit song “Come and Get It.” Justin Bieber had nothing to do with any of that. Nor does he have anything do with her getting cast in three upcoming movies: Getaway, Behaving Badly and Rudderless.
So it’s fair to say that as her star rose this year, his star fell. Hard and fast. His star just jumped into the passenger seat of a leopard-print car, grabbed a joint and sped downward at an alarming speed. While it hasn’t completely crashed yet, it’s certainly gotten close a few times. You might recall the time that the car took a turn too quickly on the Deathstar highway and a monkey fell out and landed in Germany and Jusin Bieber looked at in his rearview mirror and thought to himself, “more bananas for me now. Stupid monkey.”
While it’s incredibly entertaining to watch Justin Bieber’s downfall and hear his views on Clinton’s presidency, it’s worrying me that Selena can’t seem to just cut him off cold turkey. One day they’re over and the next day he’s tweeting sweet nothings at her like nothing happened. It’s not only getting hard to keep track of their status, but it’s also getting confusing. What can she possibly see in him at this point? Miley and Liam’s constant back-and-forth, I understand. She’s a great at not wearing pants and he’s great at doing an impression of an Australian. They’re made for each other and I just know if that dry cleaners would give back their ring for good, they’d be married by now.
Justin Bieber, on the other hand, has nothing going for him. He went from being a tween idol who’s mildly out of control to a grown adult who believes himself to be so wonderful that he pissed in a mop bucket and said that it would be an honor for someone to clean that up. Do you know how deluded you have to be about your self worth to think that your cleaning up your piss is an honor? I checked WedMB just now and the answer is VERY DELUDED.
The longer Selena Gomez keeps hanging out with him, the longer it’s going to take for her to wipe off his stench. How can she possible convince people that she’s a respectable singer/actor when her boyfriend’s getting accused of spitting on people who upset him. At this point, she’d be better off telling everyone that she’s actually his long-term caretaker and the whole “relationship” was just a cover for her to travel around the world with him and raise him up right. Even though she failed at raising him up right, she can still just write it off as an incredibly hard job with unrealistic expectations and move on. I’d say that she doesn’t even have to include it on her Linkedin profile.
I know that she wants everyone to think she’s growing up and getting out of her Disney mode, but continuing to date Justin Bieber in the most middle school way doesn’t help prove that case. Sure everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves forgiveness, but Justin Bieber makes a lot. Also, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness because he’s never asked for it. He’s under the impression that he can do no wrong. I, for one, eagerly await the day when the law tells him otherwise. But until then, he’ll continue to behave like he’s Jesus’ cool younger bro.
If Selena Gomez really wants to prove that she’s an adult now, she needs to end it with him for good. She needs to stand up for her own reputation as an emerging presence in Hollywood and hang out with people who are also on the rise — or dare I say it, have already risen. Doing movies like Spring Breakers certainly put her on the map as an actor who wants to be taken seriously, but they don’t make up for the fact that she’s still hanging out with a guy who can’t seem to buy his clothing in the right size. She’s on the cusp of actually making it in the mainstream world and if she breaks up with Justin Bieber forever, it might just happen. If not, she’ll forever be that Disney star who sang a few songs, wore a controversial bindi and bailed Bieber out of jail after he mooned a group of elderly women for no reason.