We finally, finally made it to the hometown visits on The Bachelorette last night, guys, so the end is in sight! Soon you won’t have to dedicate two hours every Monday night to watching Desiree Hartsock try to squeeze water out of her eyeholes and pretend like she hasn’t decided whom she wants to pick yet even though she openly said last week that Brooks is the only one she’s in love with.
So I wanted to find a way to honor of these always-awkward trips home where peoples’ parents give them their blessings to marry total strangers, and the buzz-phrase of the day is “I’ve never felt this way before”. I wanted to celebrate the inherent wrong-ness of all of this; of telling a woman you love her when three other men are openly telling her the same thing on national television. And what better way to do that than by making a list of why these particular guys should never ever be brought home to meet your parents?
- Because Zak unironically drives the equivalent of an ice cream truck. All your MASH nightmares are coming true, courtesy of his family sno-cone business.
- Because Drew reminds me of Scott Disick.
- Because Chris lives in Oregon, and therefore had the opportunity to live in Portland, but opted instead to live in McMinnville. C’mon man, as a native Oregonian, why you gotta do me like that?
- Because Brooks is from Salt Lake City. Do I smell a secret Mormon?
- Because Zak has a big furry penguin suit just lying around his life, that he put on to run at children.
- Because I was really creeped out by that ‘nasal treatment’ stuff with Chris and his dad.
- Because Drew constantly dresses like his next stop is a country club, pink shirt and all.
- The poetry. Chris miraculously spared us this week, but it’s been a nonstop barrage of ham-fisted rhymes and I can’t take anymore.
- Because Zak’s sister looks JUST LIKE DES. Except blond. I just never trust anyone who’s attracted to people who look like their own family members.
- Because it’s been nine weeks and I’ve yet to see Drew’s hair move.
- Because Chris willingly wore his hat to the side. In order to kiss Des, yes, BUT STILL.
- Because Drew can’t parallel park for shit. I see you, girl.
- Because Brooks still isn’t sure how he feels about Des even though reality TV decrees that it’s CLEARLY TIME TO BE IN LOVE.
- Because anyone who begins a sentence with the phrase, “her kisses tell me…” has no business anywhere near my family. I’m still looking at you, Drew-bot.
- Because Chris leaves Des alone with his Dad, a chiropractor, to ‘be adjusted’. The first time she’s meeting him. No thank you.
- Because Zak gives Des a promise ring before the finale. (And then throws it out the window of the limo when he gets sent home. So on the plus side, he apparently comes from a place where diamonds grow on trees and can be thrown out of windows willy-nilly. Merits further investigation.)
(Image: Wet Paint)