Ah, The Parent Trap. It was 1998, Lindsay Lohan could move her face into more than one expression, and my tiny eyes had never devoured a movie more fun. As you might recall, the first half-hour or so of the movie takes place at a summer camp called Camp Walden. I never went to camp as a kid, mostly because I’m whatever the opposite of outdoorsy is — indoorsy? So I lived vicariously through those two little LiLos. When the movie first came out, nothing seemed more fun to me than beating my doppelganger at poker or giving someone a shaving cream wig while they slept. Now that I’ve revisited the film as a 20-something, all I can think about is how many lawsuits should have come out of this camp. I’m shocked that the Marvas didn’t have their camp-running privileges revoked after their first summer in operation. So naturally, in honor of this summer’s camp-related TV shows, we put together a list of all the reasons Camp Walden should be sued. It does not include eating Oreos with peanut butter, because if that’s lawsuit-worthy, I’d be really screwed.
1. There’s a boy at an all-girls camp and no one tries to help him.
As a kid, my worst nightmare was that I’d get on the school bus and it would take me miles away to a school I didn’t attend. This is the same concept, except you’ll notice that this poor little boy can’t even reach his mom on his oversized cell phone so she can save him from this irresponsible mistake. And none of the adults try to fix it? “Are you Marva Sr.? Congrats, you’ve been served.”
Is it really wise to have a bunch of 11-year-olds poking each other and leaping over bales of hay doing their best Zorro impressions? “Hello, is this Marva Jr.? My daughter learned to fence at your summer camp and stabbed her brother in the arm with a pencil when she got home. I’m suing you.”
3. Those girls just discovered they’re identical twins, but let’s just pretend we don’t notice.
“Wow, those two girls sure do have the same red hair and freckles and all their facial features are completely identical. They don’t seem to have met before. Okay, what’s for lunch?” Perhaps some camp therapy was in order? Or at least a phone call to Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson explaining that their separated daughters had found each other? A letter? Nothing?
“The defendant is Marva Sr. She’s being sued for $18, a bottle of fairytale pink nail polish, and a purple scrunchie, all of which Mrs. Smith’s daughter lost in an underground poker game at Camp Walden.”
5. Public nudity.
In 1998, jumping into a lake naked seemed like a fair consequence for losing the poker game you weren’t supposed to be playing in the first place. And getting your clothes stolen was just part of an innocent prank. In this day and age, that’s bullying. Emotional damages, anyone?
6. There are beds on the roof.
How did they get up there? Did the 11-year-old girls somehow carry furniture onto the roof of a building in the middle of the night? Did none of them fall to the ground and break their arms or get crushed beneath the weight of a bed? Seriously, I’m interested in learning the logistics of this prank and how no one was killed in the process.
7. The isolation cabin.
Yes, it’s very responsible to take two young girls out into the middle of the woods to live alone in a leaky cabin with no adult supervision. That’ll teach them! It’ll also potentially get them kidnapped by mountain men or eaten by bears.
8. Amateur ear piercing.
What happens when you put two young girls in an isolation cabin? They get ideas, including the idea to stick needles through each other’s ears. And using a match to sterilize the needle. So they have access to matches as well. “Dear Marvas Sr. and Jr., my daughter came home with a disgusting earlobe infection. Here’s a copy of the medical bill. Pay up.”
9. Two children go home to the wrong parents.
To be fair, Hallie and Annie are identical twins, and they do work very hard to imitate each other. But maybe if the camp had contacted their parents when they first discovered they were twins, this whole switcharoo wouldn’t have happened. We also wouldn’t have a movie then, so I guess I’ll let this one slide.
(Image: TDZ Daily)