Happy birthday to Tom Hanks, a titan among men who turns fifty-seven today! If there’s one thing I know about Tom, it’s that he’s a celebrity and I’ve never met him, but if there are two things I know about him, it’s that he does a tonnnnn of movies spanning many genres. Also he has a kind face which, when mustachioed, I would absolutely trust to sell me life insurance as long as he rang my doorbell politely. But back to the movie part — guys, Tom has done a poop load of films, starting all the way back with his first one, He Knows You’re Alone in 1980. And the thing about Tom is, he’s not some run-of-the-mill Michael Cera who does the same chinless shrug-work in every project he works on. Nay! Tom is a versatile actor, and turns in a different and varied performance for each role, to the point that you can actually pick a favorite movie instead of saying, “That one with the kid from Juno where he’s maladjusted and twitchy. You know the one — it’s all of them.”
No! A Tom Hanks fan can choose a favorite movie at will, and learn all sorts of things about him or herself in the process, like that they’re a lover of quality cinema, and that Tom is a titan of among men, like I mentioned, and even things about your own job. Yeah that’s right, you guys! You heard me correctly! Crushable has devised a new machine to give you insight about your own career choices based on your favorite Tom Hanks movie! Isn’t that brilliant! Don’t we live on the cutting edge of technology? Shouldn’t we totally be in charge of updating the Meyers-Briggs test? Of course before you answer, you know we’re going to give you an opportunity to try out this magical robot, so come along with me and pick out your favorite Tom Hanks movie to find out what it says about your job. I can’t wait for the two of us to learn all about your life choices together!
The Terminal (2004)
Since most of this movie takes place in the same location, your choice indicates to me that you like repetition. It’s likely that your job is kinda boring, like maybe some kind of factory work, or that you are legally not permitted to leave it, like a…pope. Or something. Are you the pope?
If this is your favorite movie, then I’m almost 100% certain that your job entails making me cry in some way, because that’s all I did during this film. I’m betting you work in medicine, or else you’re the guy who makes the Purina ads and makes me watch them right before my period, you cruel beast.
Forrest Gump (1994)
I’m gonna guess that you work at a thankless job where people don’t take you or your intellect seriously, but rest assured that you have more influence than you think. You’re probably like a City Councilor who accidentally took down a mob boss and inadvertently invented the BLT and the phrase ‘use it or lose it’ all in the same sandwich shop. Keep it up.
You have a sweet ass job, like a professional ice cream taster or puppy snuggler. I don’t care how much you miss your old life, or how nice it must seem in retrospect not to have responsibilities, in no circumstances are you to go back to that magical gypsy box and ask to go back to being a little kid schmuck who doesn’t rollerblade around a New York City loft for a living.
Toy Story (1995)
If I may hazard a guess, you have kind of a rivalry happening in the workplace right now. I’m betting you work someplace where you have to fight every day to stay relevant, just like Woody and Buzz had to fight for Andy’s affections as he got older. I’m no mind-reader, but I’d put money on the fact that you work at The New York Times. Amirite?
Apollo 13 (1995)
If this is your favorite of Tom’s films, you definitely work in a dangerou senvironment, one where you’re constantly volunteering for missions. You’re either an astronaut, which is a total gimme, or you’re a nationally-ranked paintballer. Either way, keep your wedding ring close, yeah? Every day is a gift.
You’ve Got Mail (1998)
You work someplace cheesy, but oddly satisfying, like maybe a dairy farm someplace classy, like Vermont. Except it’s also a bed and breakfast, so you get tons of romantic intrigue and quaint misunderstandings, all underlines with a healthy dose of fun flirty ’90s haircuts.
Cast Away (2000)
You live and work off the grid somewhere. If this is your favorite movie, you retired from the tech scene as a billionaire back when the getting was good, and now you live in New Mexico and grow macrobiotic corn with your wife and three kids: Marble, Conan, and Harp.
The DaVinci Code (2006)
I’m not judging you myself, persay, but whatever it is you do for a living is critically panned but embarrassingly lucrative. My assumption is that you work as an upper-middle manager for Bank of America with a vast collection of overpriced art with secret notes on the back that you keep instead of a diary. I mean if you have the money, right?
Cloud Atlas (2012)
What? Who are you? Why was this your favorite movie? Your job is to go back under the rock you’ve been living under and stay there, because you don’t know how to live your life.
(Image: Joseph Marzullo / WENN.com)