What’s David Letterman’s deal, you guys? Does he know that he hosts a talk show? Sometimes I wonder if he’s really aware of what he’s doing when he sits behind that desk every night. I also wonder if he understands who he’s talking to when he’s talking to them. It’s a curse that has befallen many a talk show host that they just don’t understand that celebrities are just people like you and me. Or that they have aged beyond 15 and are not the same entities as their famous characters. I say all this because last night Michael Cera visited The Late Show and David Letterman tried to adopt him.
Okay, so the adoption attempt didn’t actually take place on camera, but I’m fairly certain that after the taping Letterman followed Michael into his dressing room and made the offer. Because almost immediately after Michael sits down for this interview, Letterman expresses his deep and kind of out-of-nowhere concern for Michael. He says — I kid you not — “Do you have people who look after you?” Because, in David Letterman’s mind, Michael Cera is a six-year-old boy who needs to be dragged around Disney World on a leash. Or a monkey that’s been abandoned by a teenage pop star. Or maybe just a teenager with an inappropriate crush on his cousin who must be guided down the right path. Look, Michael Cera certainly has that boyishly awkward, kind of sadsack quality that we all know and love, but I don’t exactly stay up nights worried about his well-being.
Letterman’s concern then prompts Michael to go into a very charming but kind of sad explanation about what people on the street are apt to say to him. Things like “Michael Cera sucks.” But he seems to be taking it all in stride, and he’s 25 years old, so I’m pretty sure he can deal with it on his own. But what’s that? Letterman wants to talk about it some more? Okay, I guess.
What you don’t see in the video below but can witness in the full interview is the exchange in which Letterman tells Michael that he still views him as a 15-year-old and would like to become his mentor, because he has “an avuncular fondness for” him. Those of you who kept your SAT flashcards know that “avuncular” suggests an uncle-like affection. But I think it’s safe to assume there are some adoption papers being drawn up backstage as Letterman conducts this interview. Because we all know Letterman is the Angelina Jolie of the talk show circuit. Only I knew that? Well now you do too.