Father of six (OF SIX) Michael Lohan is really tickling my funny bone today, you guys. I mean he’s really getting my goat. He’s just having a normal day, discussing Lindsay Lohan‘s cocaine overdose at age eighteen, as you do on a Monday morning when you have respect for your daughter’s privacy and any remaining shreds of decency. This interview is what would happen if someone said, “Michael, I get your ‘bad father’ shtick and all, but I’m worried it’s not landing quite as much anymore. Is there anything you could do to prove once and for all that you’re clinically incapable of being a good human?” Why yes, yes there is, and you’re about to read it in this word-for-word excerpt from The Daily Mail, because I’m a good enough writer to recognize my own limitations and acknowledge when text can’t be improved upon. Please to enjoy:
“‘Lindsay was filming [Just My Luck] in New Orleans and I got a call saying she had overdosed on cocaine,’ Michael tells the UK’s Sun newspaper. ‘One of her assistants had given her the drug. I was so angry I got a gun from the house and planned to go to New Orleans to kill him. I couldn’t believe what had happened to my daughter. I was just so angry.’ However, Michael ended up crashing his car on the way to the airport and was arrested for drunk driving, spending a year in prison.”
I’m sorry, I just need a second to process that, even though it’s already my fourth time reading it through. Is there any more Michael Lohan-y paragraph in the whole wide world than the one you just read? I don’t think so. I really don’t. Also, whatever happened to that thing where Lindsay said she’d only done coke four times, and that it was between the ages of 20 and 23? Do you mean to tell me that that was all a lie and that it might’ve been as many as SIX??
I can’t think about that right now because it’s too jarring to my established sensibilities, so let’s recap this timeline: Michael hears his daughter has overdosed on cocaine and his immediate response is that he wants to kill the dealer for supplying the drugs. So he GETS A GUN, throws back enough drinks to steady the nerves of a man about to attempt premeditated murder, and hops in the car to drive to the airport. Where he will presumably attempt to drunkenly board a plane with a gun, except that he gets pulled over and arrested for drunk driving on the way, and ends up having to serve a full year in prison…and this is the version of events that he leaks to papers himself.
I can’t, I just can’t. This is such nonsense. “You overdosed? Let me get my gun! Daddy will be right there, Linds! He just has to quick sharp stop at a liquor store to pick up a handle and then serve a year in prison for driving drunk or whatever, but after that he’ll be banging down your door to commit a loving murder for you! What else are daddies for? HELP IS ON THE WAY!” There just isn’t a single bad decision that he failed to make throughout this story. Firearm? Check. Drinking and driving? Check. Plotting a murder? Check. Selling out your daughter for a story in the effing UK Sun? Check check and checkity check. Good luck with the rest of rehab, Lindsay, because this is the beacon of good sense and stability awaiting you on the outside.