While performing at Summerfest this weekend, John Mayer dedicated his song, “A Face to Call Home” to his girlfriend-ish Katy Perry. Following his incredibly romantic love-a-logue, the entire audience allegedly collapsed under the weight of all the “awws” that immediately went around. And then, local news stations say that one young woman tripped on a rogue set of ovaries that apparently dropped out of another young woman’s uterus during the dedication. Concert goers nearby swear that the set of ovaries screamed “c’mon ladies, it’s John Mayer and you know better,” before making an attempt to leave through a barred exit door and getting caught under someone’s feet.
Never in the history of Hollywood has a couple with more commitment issues than John Mayer and Katy Perry captured our hearts in such a charming way. One day they’re dating, the next day they’re breaking up and the day after that they’re waking up in bed next to each other saying, “next time, let’s make our safe word Robert Pattinson.” That’s why I’m among all the women who truly believe that he meant it when he stood up on that stage and said, “she’s more incredible than I ever thought because she would order for me, I would whisper in her ear and she would order for me to the waiter.”
If that’s not love, then I’ve clearly misread Fifty Shades of Grey. They’re a modern day couple who are rewriting all the rules. I’m just kidding. John Mayer doesn’t write. He just whispers rules in Katy Perry’s ears when she’s sleeping and it’s up to her to take them all in. Rules like “don’t be mad if I hook up with other girls” and “I’ll never marry you.” You know, the normal relationship rules. Don’t follow them? Well then don’t ever expect to get a song dedicated to you like the one below.