Guys I’m having kind of an existential crisis right now, in that I can’t stop staring at this picture of Chris Pratt. Yeah that’s right, Chris Pratt who plays Andy Dwyer on Parks And Recreation. Maybe the one guy on network television to whom I never worried I’d be attracted. He’s just a goofy lumpy doofus, and I wrote him off as such. I have enough to deal with, being attracted to every other human being whose face appears on my TV box for one reason or another. (I just have a lot of lady-feelings, okay? Shut up.)
Sure, I saw that selfie he posted a while back of his Zero Dark Thirty body, and yeah I was impressed, but I also figured it was just a fluke or a trick of the light. After all, he went back to Parks And Rec pretty much right after, and he looked just as bumbling and doughy as always, so who am I to judge? I thought I was safe in Pawnee, that I could put my guard down without having to worry about any feminine stirrings.
AND THEN. Chris up and posted a second selfie, you guys, and I am not handling it well. He’s apparently been in training for his upcoming movie Guardians Of The Galaxy, and oh my god you guys his body. I’m really not comfortable feeling these sorts of things about the lead singer of Mouse Rat, y’know? I mean, the guy lived in a pit next to Rashida Jones‘ house and eats off of frisbees with Aubrey Plaza, and I’m admiring the line of his pecs as it cuts along his nips? Who am I? And who is Chris Pratt, honestly? What have you been hiding, SIR, along with this ridiculous talent for working out? He put the photo up on Instagram yesterday with the caption ‘#GOTG No beer for six months. My bro made me post this’, and I’m like — “Oh, no beer for six months? Well that explains everything. The reason I look like a thundery bag of gangle with noodle arms must be because I drink a daily keg of beer and eat cheese curds right out of the barrel. Now it all makes sense.” Actually, that’s not that far from the truth, so I don’t know who I think I’m kidding.
But guys. I didn’t even think he’d be able to maintain his Zero Dark Thirty body, let alone that he could dip back into his Andy Dwyer body and come out more ripped than ever. Honestly the body he’s rocking in this second selfie looks like it was carved out of the (already impressive) body he was rocking in his first selfie. I just. I can’t.
What I can do, though, is give some serious props to Anna Faris. Now there’s a girl who really knows what she’s doing. Somewhere underneath that goofy exterior, she must have seen the chiseled, be-stubbled demigod that we now see before us. And no I’m not exaggerating. You can leave me my adjectives and be on your way. Be on your WAY I said. But honestly, this transformation is all-encompassing. Where did that steely gaze come from? And the pouty Ralph Lauren model face? And the chiseled jawline? We’re on some next-level shit here, guys. This is a code Neville Longbottom if ever I’ve seen one. (You saw his transformation, right? The kid from Harry Potter? Oh my god. Get after it.) Even Rob Lowe, Parks And Rec‘s pillar of health and workout knowledge can’t really believe his eyes, saying:
— Rob Lowe (@RobLowe) July 7, 2013