This year, I just want to celebrate Independence Day by talking about the beautiful celebs that I love. The Fourth Of July is probably a perfect holiday because it’s the only one that we get where it’s generally accepted to annoy your neighbors with noisy explosives and the pungent odor from your barbecue, all while dressed in head to toe white. Or, if you’re feeling super patriotic, as American humans tend to, you can DIY a dress out of red felt, denim and whipped cream. The point is, no one is going to judge you because everyone is too busy celebrating that one time in July of 1776 when we decided we didn’t want to be Great Britain’s friend any more (before we decided, JK, yeah we do).
Since I’m positive that we’ve now formed a judgment-free, impenetrable trust circle, I feel comfortable admitting that I’m too terrified to ever handle fireworks (I also am very fond of all ten of my fingers, so there’s that). That’s why my favorite kind of celebrity is the kind who is so smokin’ hot that they could literally set a firework off. Here are the 22* celebrities who make my fireworks go off. Is that a sexual euphemism or do I literally carry around Roman candles and ask random celebrities to set them off for me? No one really knows for sure.
1. David Beckham
Oh, don’t act like you didn’t see this one coming. He’s, quite literally, a perfect person with a perfect voice and perfect collection of tattoos. I even love him as a husband and I especially love him as a dad. But I think the absolutely most important part of his story is the fact that he finally ditched his soccer-player-ponytail, a decision that I 100% stand behind.
2. Johnny Depp (in the ’90s)
I feel the need to specify because old school Johnny is a lot different than new school Johnny. It isn’t like I don’t love them both, I just love them differently. 90s Johnny is the guy I’d give my last cupcake to whereas I might only give current Johnny half of my last cupcake. That extra half cupcake is what makes the difference.
3. Jennifer Lawrence
Can you say “giiiirl crush”? Because, if you can, it should be preceded by “Jennifer Lawrence is everyone’s…” because that is one of the few absolute truths of the universe.
4. Harry Styles
Don’t ask me why. If you want to know why, you need to join the line right behing my own self, who also would like to know why. Although, to be fair, there are millions of tweens who agree.
5. Pharrell Williams
A real-life Dorian Gray, Pharrell doesn’t age more than one month every 6 years (actual statistics, so don’t even dare dispute it). He’s also more ~cool~ than anyone I’ve ever not known so, really, this one is a given.
6. Scott Disick With A Beard
I know, I know, he’s a douche whose family calls him LD (short for Lord Disick). But if you would stop looking past his looks for, like two seconds, you’d probably agree with me that bearded Scott Disick is a brand new man who no longer looks like a prepubescent boy.
7. Jimmy Fallon
Sorry, Fellow Comedian Jimmy Kimmel, Fictional Degrassi Character Jimmy Brooks, and Former President Jimmy Carter but there’s only one Jimmy for me and it’s the one who always looks goofy, disheveled, or a beautiful combination of the two.
8. Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson
There is nothing in the world that makes me giddy like a schoolgirl quite like a guy who’s rugged and doesn’t know the difference between coral and pink. I know that Ron is (unfortunately) not a real-life person, but I love him like one anyway.
9. Justin Timberlake
I loved him even as he struggled through those awful frosted tips so many moons ago, I love him now and I suspect that I’ll still love him even as his weirdly relaxed hair grays over time. I <3 JT 4evr
10. Sandra Bullock
I really love Sandy’s overall positivity and the fact that she doesn’t really take herself too seriously. I also like that she shares a nickname with a fictional land squirrel that lives underwater.
11. Michael Ealy’s Eyes
I’m not sure if they count as celebrities in their own rights, but I’m going to go ahead and say yes they do. They’re the color of a Caribbean ocean glistening in the sunlight on a balmy summer day. Brb, going to write a haiku about them.
12. Jason Sudeikis And Olivia Wilde, As A Couple
These two have everything I’ve ever wanted in a celebrity couple on which I have no effect: they are good looking, funny, and have hair that I want to twirl around my finger for hours. Sure, I like them separately. But I like them a whole lot more —dare I say, love them— together.
13. Channing Tatum
Yes, I would be okay with having him Channing all over my Tatum. I still don’t know what that means but he has permission to go ahead and do whatever that is.
14. Ryan Gosling’s Dog, George
Think about how lucky George is in terms of how many more times he’s cuddled with Ryan than you ever will. When you’re done, go get a tissue to wipe that tear from your cheek. Everything is going to be (kind of) okay.
15. John Stamos
John is the reason that little me had some of my first inappropriate thoughts about a celebrity. Back in the day when he was everyone’s Uncle Jesse, I was thinking about him being my boyfriend, John. I still think of him that way, actually.
16. Two Out Of Three Franco Brothers
I’m not saying that the third Franco, Tom, isn’t special in his own way because I don’t have the kind of authority that it takes to say that. All I’m saying is that James and Dave are proof that really good things can happen in the world unexpectedly, like the birth of these two Adonises.
17. Jon Slattery/Anderson Cooper
They both go by the ultra-suave, totally-not-embarrassing nickname, Silver Fox, because of their silver hair and also because they’re the same person. Not actually but, really, they share enough handsome (I feel like they’re not hot, they’re refined, handsome gentlemen) features that they can be considered the same.
18. Rashida Jones
She is beautiful, the end.
19. Paul Walker
Paul Walker has a face that was carefully etched out of the earth’s richest minerals by the most virtuous of angels as a gift to all mankind. Sometimes I frighten myself with how obsessed with Paul I am, but then I remember that he has a face that was carefully etch — Ahem, sorry about that.
20. Louis C.K.
This one is less about looks and more about the fact that he’s hilarious and I could spend (and have spent) an entire day rabidly consuming all of his old standup shows. He also seems to have found the formula for the perfect personality: equal parts confidence, self-deprecation, and intelligence.
21. Amy Poehler And Tina Fey, Together Or Separate
I wish that I didn’t have to live in a world where I can’t be best friends with neither Amy nor Tina because it’s a really sad place to live. But, since I do, I enjoy knowing the fact that they enjoy being friends. I love them when they are weird individually or super weird together, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.
22. Zac Efron
He’s so good-looking that I can recall, on more than one occasion, watching hours worth of his interviews on Youtube but I can’t recall much of what they were about. It’s because I was staring at his adorable face the whole time.
*Of course there are tons of other celebrities who are awesome and amazing and, most importantly, aesthetically flawless. Who do you love-slash-obsess over?