Johnny Depp is an enigmatic fellow. I see him at the movie theater playing Jack Sparrow or Sweeney Todd and I think, “Wow, that guy has a lot of charisma.” And then I sit down to watch an interview with him and I go, “Oh yeah, this guy’s awkward and farmer-hatted in real life.” He’s one of those people whose onscreen persona is so unbelievably different from his real-life demeanor, and it endlessly fascinates me. But every once in a while Johnny will make a funny remark (in a mumble, mind you) or do something spontaneous, and my brain is even more confused than it was when I remembered he’s not as energetic as his characters. Take last night for instance. Johnny went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote his new movie The Lone Ranger, which was made in the “I know there are plenty of Native American actors who would love to star in a blockbuster movie, but let’s cast Johnny Depp” style. And things got kind of frisky.
I must say Jimmy instigated the innocent flirtations by commenting on Johnny Depp’s “beautiful” face. Congratulations on seeing past the shadow of that hat brim and beyond those hipster glasses to the true beauty that is Johnny Depp, Sir Jimmy. Johnny has a well-worn copy of What Your Talk Show Host Really Means When He Says You’re Beautiful, first edition, and he knows that’s his cue to give Jimmy a peck on the cheek, so he wastes no time doing so. But before his body can fully make contact with his chair again, he remembers that “pretty” is the cue for cheek kisses and “beautiful” is the cue for a lip-lock. I don’t think he knows what “stunning” is the cue for; he was afraid to read that chapter. So of course he goes in for the mouth. And then he’s all “Don’t worry, that’s it. I’m done. No more kisses from me, oh what the hell here’s another one.”
So we now know the number of Johnny Depp kisses it takes to get to the center of Jimmy Kimmel’s embarrassment. It’s three. Have fun watching Jimmy giggle his way through the next couple of interview minutes while he tries to get the stars out of his eyes. I expect a full report on exactly how ticklish Johnny’s beard is ASAP, Mr. Kimmel. It’s your hostly duty.