The Amish need a better publicist. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Last night’s Breaking Amish series finale only proved that their PR team’s got a huge job ahead of them of the coming months. Not only does the public need to unlearn everything they’ve learned from the Breaking Amish: Brave New World, but they also need to forget everything they saw go down in Amish Mafia as well as the original Lifetime movie, An Amish Murder. While I’d love to be the one to spearhead this project, I can only do so much pro-bono work in one day. Therefore I’ll start it off with Breaking Amish: Brave New World and leave the rest of the heavy lifting to someone far more qualified than me.
1. The Amish in Lancaster party like it’s 1989
Sabrina kicks off the season premiere with this incredible allegation that has nothing to back it up. While we do know that Amish teenagers party hard (and mupload selfies to Facebook even harder), there’s no sign that they’re doing it while wearing leg warmers and sporting side ponytails and blasting Cyndi Lauper. What Sabrina has against 1989 is currently unclear, but I won’t sit here while the year gets defamed. 1988 on the other hand, I couldn’t care less about.
2. Going on a reality show to save your shunned son will go over great with the shunning committee
While I won’t pretend to know everything about getting shunned within the Amish community, I will say that I know a lot about common sense within a community. For example, common sense tells me that signing up for the second season of a reality show when you’re already on probation for going on the first season of the same reality show will probably not help your cause. Even if you’re holier-than-thou Mary and you’re doing whatever it takes to bring your son home with you. And especially when that son’s currently raising a child (who may or may not be his own child) with a woman who left the Amish community as well. It came as no shock to me in the season finale that Mary’s still being shunned. So I hope she didn’t pull out her big crocodile tears when she heard the news.
Of course that’s assuming that her name’s even Mary and that she’s even Amish. I’m still not convinced she wasn’t picked up by a casting department to be play a well-meaning-but-bumbling mother, the Amish Diane Keaton if you will.
3. The government does not require you to register your hands as weapons if you have a black belt
Despite what Jeremiah tells us as he chops up blocks of wood with his hands, you do not need to register your hands as weapons. Even if you have badass tattoos and rebellious piercings and a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Bear in mind that this applies to the Amish as well as the English. As far as Google knows, there’s no department in the government that’s concerned with your hands. But don’t tell that to Jeremiah who probably paid a “government official” a lot of money to get him the right paperwork. If this totally-made-up-fact helps him sleep better at night, let’s not ruin it for him.
4. Leggings aren’t the most offensive thing an ex-Amish woman can wear
When Katie Ann got Laney-Boggs-ed this season, Mary wanted to Kate to take her shopping because she hates the way Rebecca dresses. Even though I think Rebecca dresses pretty modestly by English standards, Mary keeps going on and on about Rebecca’s leggings being the worst thing ever. While I know Mary’s pretty isolated, I also know that she has to know that there are worse things for women to wear than leggings. Like a lot worse. So maybe she can dial back her hate for the leggings a little bit. Otherwise she’s going to have no leg to stand on when Katie Ann comes back from Forever 21 for the first time wearing a risque romper with a flap on the butt that’s only attached with one button.
5. Ex-communicated Amish adults aren’t required to play Real World/Road Rules Challenge all the time
Even though the entire premise of this show rests on fact that these five rebels need to stick together to avoid persecution from everyone in the entire world, it’s simply not true. While they’re certainly bonded by their reality show fame, it’s a tad ridiculous that they pretend like they have no choice but to be best friends. Sure Jeremiah and Sabrina hit it off and yes Abe and Rebecca are married, but besides that, none of them seem all that fond of each other. I mean, they’re openly hostile to Kate simply because she has a job outside of TLC. Yet they all still act like they’re always moments away from pricking their fingers and playing My Girl with each other.