Beyonce uploaded some new gold —ahem, a photo— of her and Jay-Z’s baby, Blue Ivy Carter and, boy, is it more pretentious than she probably meant it to be. I get it, it’s hard to seem modest and normal when you’re already nonchalantly sporting a tiny bejeweled crown; it’s a struggle that I am constantly plagued with. But if I know how to do anything, it’s read too deeply into photos of celebrity children, so this is my area of specialty: Blue is on the fast track to be a cocky little kid and there’s not much we can do about it. That’s my professional diagnosis and it should be taken seriously, okay??
The problem is that, when you’re born into the kind of household where everyone has at least one sponsorship deal, it’s so easy to, as you’re toeing the line of Confidence, accidentally trip and tumble down the long, dark road of Straight-Up Cocky. And contrary to popular (by popular, I just mean Kanye’s) belief, no one wants to be around someone who is cocky because, like, we already know that you’re better than us so we don’t need you to also act like it. So, because I am clairvoyant, here are 5 reasons why I know she’ll grow up to be the cockiest kid of all time. And, Blue, if you’re reading this, I have two things to say: wow, I can’t believe you can already read and also this is just my concerned warning to you to save you from a life of solitude and/or ending up with a Kardashian.
1. She already thinks she’s an actual princess.
Just to be clear, it doesn’t matter how many Blingee graphics that you use on your Myspace profile or how many marquee name belts you have that say “Da #1 Princess,” (that will still be a thing, right?) because that’s not what makes you a princess. There are actually only about 10 princesses on this whole Earth and they’re all the property of Disney. But yet, when Blue’s future friends are showing each other holographic baby pictures on their robot machines of them with gum stuck in their eyelashes, Blue’s going to smugly whip out the one with her being graceful in a velvet crown. Totally unfair.
2. She was a trending topic on Twitter for about a week straight.
Do you remember the media frenzy that surrounded Beyonce’s/Beyonce’s surrogate’s delivery of Baby Blue (I’m still really sorry that this is her name)? And when I say media, I don’t mean the coverage by newspapers and magazines, because who cares about those things? I’m talking about the big leagues, the exciting stuff: the Twitter trending topics. Some people work their whole lives to be on that little list but Blue Ivy waited exactly 45 seconds to completely dominate it. I bet she didn’t even appreciate it, either! Hashtag ugh.
Okay, beside the fact that Barack and Michelle Obama are basically Blue’s godparents, she’s connected in every other way, too. Her mom and dad could either summon their huge fan bases to vote for her or their BFFs over at the Illuminati to pull some strings: either way, we’re basically looking at having another President Carter at some point in her lifetime.
4. Nothing will ever excite her.
Since she was just a little bundle of blankets that may or may not have contained a person, she’s been jet-setting around the world and being famous for merely existing. People love her because she breathes and blinks and doesn’t burn down people’s houses! It’s that easy for her. So while her friends will be posting 300 pictures of their European backpacking trip, she’ll be yawning out of boredom while sitting Indian-style on the Queen of England’s lap.
5. She had a *debut*.
Blue Ivy wasn’t just seen one day while shopping with her mom at a Whole Foods; she was revealed with a grand, glittery Broadway-style entrance while sitting on a tiger that was spray-painted gold (this may or may not have actually happened). While the first photo of Blue was on Jay-Z’s website, one of the biggest highlights of Beyonce’s HBO documentary, Life Is But A Dream, was that we finally got to see Blue as a non-newborn. That’s right, she was eligible for her first “Self” IMDb movie credit before she could spell movie.
I say all of this because I really just care, you know? And I wouldn’t want Blue to get the reputation of being another full-of-herself spawn of Hollywood. That title should be left to those who are more deserving, like little Suri Cruise.
(Lead photo: iam.beyonce.com / Featured: HBO via WENN)