New photos from the upcoming film Noah are finally here. And if you’re anything like me, you’re going to be fixated on this photo of Emma Watson looking like she’s running from a murderous hairbrush. At least that’s who I must assume is chasing her in this rom-com about a human girl who’s raised by a upper-middle class family of lemmings. After adjusting to seeing her as a materialistic burglar in The Bling Ring, I’m now forced to adjust to seeing her look like a savage. The kind of girl who would eat you, whole, like a snake. In one gulp, you’d be gone — and she’d be away on all fours, looking for her next meal. Which would either be fish she caught in a stream with her teeth or a suburban family of four who’s taking their first vacation in years.
Am I going overboard in my analysis of her outfit. No. No I am not. And if you think I am, you can get back at me by sending this story to all your friends with the subject line “outrage!” Or even worse, you can share it on Facebook with the caption, “you have to read this to see how badly this writer misinterpreted this photo of Emma Watson.” Those are just two ways to get revenge on me that I don’t at all highly recommend you do.
But to save you the googling, I will say that this movie’s not really a rom-com about a girl raised by lemmings. Sorry for lying to you. It’s actually about Noah’s pre-flood days and it stars Russell Crowe in the biblical role of a lifetime. It’s all about the good old days when he wasn’t trapped on an ark with two of every animal — and no, before you ask, it’s not a prequel to Evan Almighty. It allegedly comes out in March 2014 and it has the potential to garner a lot of outraged letters from PETA between now and then. I mean two of every animal, that’s bound to get messy. Everyone know’s how cliquey giraffes get when they’re in pairs.
While I don’t l-o-v-e Emma’s acting in general, I do think her true talents lie in transformation (or transfiguration if you’re reading this from platform 9 and 3/4). She went from a brilliant wizard to a Pittsburgh teenager who says things that seem tailor-made for Tumblr to a home-schooled criminal to Mowgali. It’s pretty impressive. And I for one can’t wait to see the movie.