(Photo: Juan Soliz, Pacificcoastnews.com)
Yesterday we celebrated the 39th birthday of Derek Jeter, you know, that guy who dates every woman in Hollywood, most recently pretty little Minka Kelly. Yeah, him! Among the names in his Little Black Book of celebrities are Mariah Carey (old school Mariah, you know), Jordana Brewster, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johannson and Gabrielle Union. Little did I know, however, that when he isn’t speed-dating all of LA, he’s el capitan of the New York Yankees. How ’bout that, huh? I mean, when does he find the time to throw balls around? I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. In honor of the birthday boy, here’s a rundown of athletes known primarily for their celebrity significant others. Hey, it’s the company you keep, right?
Alex Rodriguez: Jeter’s fellow teammate, Alex Rodriguez, has also rounded the bases with quite a few gossip-worthy Hollywood A-listers. Rodriguez, affectionately known to the world as A-Rod (trying to compensate there, buddy?) is most known for his highly-publicized year-long romance with the ultimate Charlie’s Angel, Miss Cameron Diaz. The baseball player spent the early 2000s linked to Bethenny Frankel and Kate Hudson, but the woman that truly put him on the map was none other than the Queen of Pop herself, Madonna. Sure, the Yankees must be legit because I always see Jay-Z wearing their hat, but who cares what position you play when you can go down in history as a notch on Madge’s bedpost? Am I right or am I right?
(Photo: Wagner Az, PacificCoastNews.com)
Kris Humphries: These days, it seems as if life itself failed to exist before the precious, swaddled babe North West. But if you reach far, far back into the recesses of useless knowledge, you may recall a tall, hulking man to which Kim Kardashian was once married. Kris Humphries, who, as it turns out, plays basketball for the Brooklyn Nets, got to bask in the spotlight for a whopping 72 days before becoming utterly irrelevant in a mere 72 hours. Whomp. Kim upgraded to Kanye in a hot minute, and thank God for that, really. If Kim had conceived with Humphries, their child would have been exempt from snarky longitudinal jokes for her whole life. Now where’s the fun in that?
(Photo: Hall/Pena, PacificCoastNews.com)
Lamar Odom: I’m fully convinced that the Kardashian family believes it is a civic duty to give fame to those less fortunate. Take Khloe Kardashian‘s hubby, Lamar Odom. Here he was, just another average Joe, and she brought him home, cleaned him up, and got him on television! Wait, what? He was already on television, you say? For basketball? Right…
(Photo: Juan Soliz, PacificCoastNews.com)
Tom Brady: Look dude, you’re handsome enough and I hear you can throw a football, but anyone standing next to Gisele Bundchen is, and always will be, an afterthought. I don’t care how many bowls of soup you win, you will never be able to rock a pair of wings and a thong like that woman right there. Your argument is invalid.
(Photo: Hellmuth Dominguez, PacificCoastNews.com)
Tony Romo: This fairly average-looking man famously dated Hollywood’s dumbest blonde Jessica Simpson, later upgrading to America’s idol Carrie Underwood not long after. And that’s literally as far as my knowledge goes. Other than a few generic “look-at-what-nice-looking-babies-we’d-make” photos in People, I’m drawing a blank. Truly, what is there to say about this man? Ah, this just in from my 13-year-old kid brother: he’s the important guy on the Dallas Cowboys. That’s football, I think.
(Photo: Judy Eddy/WENN.com)
Mike Fisher: Good thing Carrie came to her senses and left that vanilla-flavored football player far behind, because that leaves a whole lotta room for her stud muffin husband Mike Fisher. I know he’s an athlete because, duh, he’s on this list, but it would have taken me many a guess to land on hockey as his sport of choice. Hey, I saw The Mighty Ducks once, I can dig it. A little Wiki-stalking informs me that he plays for the Nashville Predators, and suddenly it all makes sense. A match made in country music heaven.
(Photo: Bruja/Juan Sharma, PacificCoastNews.com )
Eric Johnson: Mr. Romo’s other former flame, J-Simpson, kept to the turf and married former NFL player, Eric Johnson. Note the former: Eric was released from the NFL just before beginning his affair (yep, he was married to a non-celeb) with Jessica. If you ask me, this man knew how to play his cards. Sure, his football career may be over, but that doesn’t mean he can’t stay relevant. No better way to ensure your name gets tossed into a TMZ post every few months than with a marriage to the woman still trying to discern the difference between chicken and tuna.
(Photo: Rachid Ait, PacificCoastNews.com)
Anna Kournikova: Why let the men hog all the fun? I’m sure there’s enough room for a lady on this list. I’ve had a beef with Miss Kournikova for the better part of my life. I dabbled in tennis for a summer of my youth, but I wasn’t envious of the blonde goddess for her impressive overhand serve. The harlot stole my man, plain and simple. While I was just a wee eleven-years-old, diligently practicing Enrique Iglesias‘ “Hero” during daily piano lessons, she up and stole him. I know I can’t have been the only one to suffer that heartbreak. Thus, her legacy. I won’t recall anything tennis-related, just him. You dug your own grave, missy.