As that Southern fried sun goes on rising in the east, every day its cold light exposes something new that Paula Deen has lost in this racism scandal. It’s a barren landscape, littered with abandoned sticks of butter and those cute dinner jackets that are to be worn at weddings when one wants to look like a penguin or a stereotypical, servile middle-aged black man. You know the ones. Or, if you don’t, Paula can tell you. She knows alllll about it.
Ever since the deposition became public from the racial and sexual harassment charges she’s currently facing, Paula’s stock has been falling faster than one of my souffles in August, which is pretty fast, considering I don’t know how to make souffles or work my oven. Some people are still standing by Paula, at least according to Paula herself, but most of the people and things in her immediate vicinity have been dropping like flies in their haste to distance themselves from this controversy. So, while I have you here, let’s take a look at the 8 Things Paula Deen Has Lost In The Past Seven Days. (Or at least some of them.)
1. The n-word.
First and foremost, we have to acknowledge Paula’s loss of the n-word, which has been a terrible blow to her lexicon. I don’t personally find a use for it in my own vocabulary, but it’s obviously very important to her, as evidenced by the fact that, when asked if she used it, Paula responded not with ‘yes’ or ‘I think so’ or ‘I don’t remember’, but ‘yes, of course.’ RIP slurs.
2. Her will to eat healthy.
Paula’s team would just like you to know that all this stress has pushed Paula right back to her old terrible eating habits. You’ve essentially driven her right back into the arms of Type II Diabetus, so I hope you’re happy, world. This is all your fault.
3. Her sponsorships.
So far, Paula has been dropped by Walmart, Caesars, and Smithfield, although, as she pointed out on the Today show this morning, QVC has yet to withdraw their support. A fact I supsect they’ll be rectifying shortly, now that Paula has taken the liberty of pointing it out publicly.
4. The awareness of the definition of the word ‘deposition’.
When you are deposed, you are in complete control of the words you say, yes? You’re seated in front of a camera and a lawyer asks you questions. You have your own lawyer there, who can object if necessary, and there’s no light shining in your eyes or dirty cops
5. The honesty of her sons.
Bobby and Jamie Deen went on CNN’s New Day yesterday to contest the accuracy of the accusations against their mother…and ended up contradicting the very things Paula said herself while under oath. So either they’re lying or she is, and I can’t imagine why she would exaggerate her own racism. Just saying.
6. Her ability to apologize directly to Al Roker.
Paula wanted to go on Today to do exactly this. Presumably she thinks that Al is the African-American mascot and an apology to him is an apology to black America as a whole. Unfortunately for her and fortunately for us, she was unsuccessful in this endeavor.
7. Her job.
She was dropped by the Food Network after working for them since 2002. Some people are saying they acted too rashly, but let’s recall that they based their actions on Paula Deen’s own words, not rumors or hearsay. PAULA’S WORDS.
8. Her dignity.
Speaks for itself. Once you wear full drag make-up for an insincere YouTube apology, there’s no going back.