Man…Teresa Giudice’s gym must be the tits of all gyms in Jersey proper. Everyone on RHONJ is there trying to hate on and copy Teresa, and all girlfriend is trying to do is get a good workout in while wearing matching Under Armour pink outfits. First Melissa Gorga, Jacqueline Laurita and Kathy Wakile show up all uninvited, and then baby bro Joe Gorga has the balls to infiltrate Teresa’s gym lair. All this drama at the gym reminded me that I need to renew my lapsing gym membership. Cause clearly I’ve been missing out on some major action. This episode had me doing a lot of head-shaking. Just when you thought the Teresa and Melissa feud couldn’t carry on any further, it always gets more ridic. After Teresa’s let-them-eat-cake incident at Gia’s party and the subsequent early departure of the alleged peace-making Melissa, things are as bad as ever. Caroline Manzo’s voice-of-reason meetup with Teresa did no good. Then Melissa’s olive branch attendance at Gia’s birthday party was met with accusations of Melissa not visiting Teresa and Joe’s father in the hospital. And when that convo spirals out of control because Melissa is either lying or forgetful about the actual date she went to the hospital, Teresa has more ammunition and reason to drink the Melissa haterade. I mean, really? It’s all so “you stole my boyfriend in high school”. I wish Teresa would go back to making logical statements about why she hates Melissa…like Melissa was a stripper and she has some witch-like control/power over her husband.
We catch up with the Gorga/Giudice households as the wives are explaining their respective sides of the story to their absent hubbies. With the side-by-side comparison and then the third-party assessment (of my own, thank you very much), I gotta give Melissa the point here. At least it appears as if Melissa tried to bury the hatchet — while Teresa is still going on and on about how Melissa lied about the day she went to go see her Father. Teresa’s father. Can we let sleeping handbag dogs lie? For chrissake, we’re talking about a daughter-in-law visiting her Father in the hospital a couple of days after he was admitted. Let’s get in the real-world mindset. And if Melissa was sick, as she claims, then her excuse is a legitimate one for not rushing to the hospital. But Teresa claims that Melissa is, again, lying about everything and that this is just another lie in a long list of….oh wait, I stopped caring. Mostly cause, lately, everything that comes out of Teresa’s mouth is utter nonsense. Entertaining nonsense? Absolutely. What makes this whole scenario even more silly is that Melissa actually lost her father years ago…and if anyone shouldn’t be accused of not caring about family, I don’t think it’s the person who is actually visiting family in the hospital (even if it is a couple of days later). Pretty sure it’s the person who is sabotaging any hope of making amends with her only brother. Yup.
Anycrap, in the world of other-than-Teresa-and-Melissa, we find that Albie and Christopher Manzo are opening a restaurant in Hoboken. Natch. The Brownstone gene doesn’t fall far from the tree. That’s how that phrase goes, right? The restaurant will specialize in Jersey-themed food. Yes, apparently that’s a thing. Soooo…I’m guessing a whole lotta Italian and Jewish food on the menu, yah? Well, in that case, I’m insies…where do I sign up? Kathy Wakile is planning a birthday bash for Richie‘s 50th and Victoria’s 20th. I gotta say, the Wakiles are a pretty stand-up family. They seem to epitomize family values, versus Teresa who just talks about it. Jacqueline Laurita is hiring personal trainers to come and work her out, though mostly she just talks about how awful Teresa is. That’s cool, though. Everyone likes an excuse to not do squats. Meanwhile, Melissa is writing a book…a “marriage bible” if you will and is getting all emotional about her Father and her family. It really gives some value to her trying to get away from the crazy Giudice family. Of course, Teresa is none too thrilled about Melissa’s attempt to join The New York Times Bestseller’s List (who has the honor of calling Teresa Giudice a member). Finally, Teresa talks mad shit about Melissa to Joe Giudice’s Mom, so what else is new?
Roll on Party Bus! It’s the Wakile Birthday Bash and it’s the total opposite of the Giudice’s party. True, there is a major difference between a kid’s birthday party and an adult’s…however, we’re not talking alcohol, we’re talking about the distinct lack of crazy drama…which means the distinct lack of Teresa. But Teresa can really Monday Morning up any situation, even when she’s not there. Kathy, Caroline and Jacqueline all pow wow on why they hate Teresa and Kathy mentions that hypocritical Teresa is still mad about the Kathy comment at the reunion. I feel like I shouldn’t even have to mention all the times that Teresa claims she doesn’t hold a grudge, but whatevs. Teresa…been putting the damper on parties since 2009.
But ok, that’s cool, now it’s gym time. LOL ya’ll…Joe shows up in the middle of Teresa’s workout, lifting weights and grunting extremely loudly in the background. Perfect. Never missing an opportunity to make things even more dramatic and awkward, Teresa approaches her bro and asks about his abs. Let’s keep in mind that it’s been over a year since these two have chatted…at all. So, naturally, it only takes about 5 minutes of small talk until they really lay into each other. Round 1: the topic of Melissa not visiting their Father in the hospital for the eleventy billion time. Nevermind that Joe didn’t go to the hospital…this is always about Melissa. Yah gotta fight on the level where yah know you can sorta have a chance at winning. Round 2: Joe says Teresa is obsessed with his wife. Fair statement. But obvs, Teresa is not standing for that. Round 3: Twitter tweets from the past. Hypocrisy as usual. Round 4 and for the KO: Teresa calls Joe p*ssy-whipped. Yup, those words actually came out of her mouth. Which obviously sends Joe below the belt and he starts calling her out…bringing up the Joe Giudice c*ntgate incident from last season. Of course, that sends Teresa into a defensive rage where her only retort is that Melissa lip syncs her songs. What’s really revealing about this segment is that Joe Gorga blames Joe Giudice for the demise of Teresa. Teresa’s reaction to Joe’s statement is that if Joe Giudice had said that to her face, she would have knocked him out. Well, he kind of said it on national television. That’s not worse? After 3 glasses of wine, I’m convinced I’ve solved the root of the feud. There are a whole lotta allusions to cheating and the such, which is why I think Teresa is always on the offensive to beat her brother to the punch. I think that Joe Gorga knows something about the Giudices and certainly is keeping it a secret. Who knows, though. Teresa could just be lapsing into post-Fabulicious sociopathy. Either way…the water bottle to the face was probably not the most productive of meetups at the gym to solve sibling issues.