• Mon, Jun 24 2013

The Simple Guide To Figuring Out If You’re A Beyonce Or A Solange

There's nothing more important on your road to self-discovery than figuring out if you're a Beyonce or a Solange. That's just a fact. All doctors will agree that the answer to that question will determine everything about you -- from your future in show business to how closely you're seated to your father on Thanksgiving to the amount of surrogacy rumors that will haunt you after you give birth to your first child.

There’s nothing more important on your road to self-discovery than figuring out if you’re a Beyonce or a Solange. That’s just a fact. All doctors will agree that the answer to that question will determine everything about you — from your future in show business to how closely you’re seated to your father on Thanksgiving to the amount of surrogacy rumors that will haunt you after you give birth to your first child. So that’s why we’re going to spend today — Solange Knowles’ 27th birthday — exploring who you are right now and who you will become. Or as it will say on the free tote bags I’ll give away at my first Knowles Family Self-Discovery Seminar: do you look best in the spotlight or do you only shine in the shadows?

So let’s begin at the beginning. Are you the first born daughter in your family? Did your parents pin all their hopes and dreams on you? How many home videos exist of you singing and dancing where your parents whisper in the background, “this will look great in an HBO documentary in 25 or so years!“Or maybe you’re the second born, the third born, the fourteenth born. As you probably know, it doesn’t matter after number one. As Abby Lee Miller tells her students, second place is just the first loser. If you’re nodding your head yes, then you already know what I’m about to say. There is one photo of you from your childhood. And it’s you in the background of your sister’s neighborhood dance troupe performance. Well you think it’s you. That shadowy figure sure looks like you. You weren’t even supposed to be in it. You were supposed to be serving popcorn to all the neighborhood families that came out to your sister and her friends perform on a stage your father built in the backyard when she was conceived. If you’ve never served food to anyone in your entire life and you’re confused as to how that process would even work, you’re a Beyonce. However if you’ve only served food your entire life and you’ve only gotten to eat first when you parents suspect your sister’s food got poisoned by Michelle Williams post Destiny-Child’s break-up, then you’re a Solange.
Solange music video

 (via)

But in case you’re still struggling, we’ll continue with our incredibly clinical diagnostic test. Did you walk into your career at the ripe-old-age of seven? Can you remember a time when cameras didn’t follow you around? When you didn’t feel comfortable stepping out in a leotard — and only a leotard — to perform for millions of people?  Does the following statement shock you? “Not everyone performs at the Superbowl during their life.” Or (and this is now known as the Solange or) did you blossom later in life despite the fact that no one watered you or put fertilizer in your pot or noticed when the housekeeper threw out the pot? Maybe you sang just as well as your sister, but a little more softly. So soft that people would say silently. Maybe you broke out as star later in life. Perhaps it’s fair to say that listening to your sister makes people feel like they’re a functional member of society, but listening to you makes people feel like they really know good music – that they’re hearing something good and powerful and real. Something that they can toss out nonchalantly at the bar when they’re trying to sound like they’re more than the girl who buys high-waisted shorts at Urban Outfitters and attends music festivals for the Instagram potential. Are you nodding your head yes to all of this? Congrats, you’re a Solange! If not, if you’re wondering why would someone would attend a music festival that requires one to walk and stand and use a porta-potty, then you’re a Beyonce.

Beyonce singing to herself

 (via)

Still undecided? Okay. Let’s talk about your life, your humdrum day-to-day life. Look to the left. Is there a money tree growing out of the ground. Look to your right? Is there a team of stylists, trainers, make-up artists and surrogate parents waiting for your next instruction? Look below you. Are you swimming in a pool of gold coins? Or are you doing okay? Just raising a son and trying to get by and occasionally splurging on something nice for yourself. Can you walk outside your house without being rundown by people who are obsessed with your every move? I think you know where I’m going with this. If your wallet’s made out of one-thousand dollar bills, you’re a Beyonce. If your wallet was found on sale during the Bloomingdale’s President’s Day weekend sale, you’re a Solange.

Worried that you can’t determine which sister you are in your own life? Okay. One last test. Is your name Jessica Simpson? You are a Beyonce. A poor man’s Beyonce, but still, a Beyonce. Is your name Ashlee Simpson? Did you spend your entire life trying to get your father’s attention only to realize the jokes on you when he still loves your sister more — and your entire music legacy’s marred by the fact you lip-synced on Saturday Night Live. Then you’re a Solange.

And there you have it — the simple guide to figuring out if you’re a Beyonce or a Solange. Remember, don’t take this too seriously. Even though it does mean everything.

(Lead Image: Coloribus)

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  • Stephanie Stevens

    Darn!

    • Jenni

      So which one are you??

  • Stephanie Stevens

    I’m a poor man’s Solange. Not that anything is wrong with her she has certainly come into her own and tried to stand outside of the shadow of Bey…But who wouldn’t rather be Beyonce …