A girl’s first relationship is a really major life event that she’ll remember for the rest of her life, like the first time that she discovered that her finest bedazzled denim jacket was no longer fashionable. There are approximately one billion and one emotions happening at all times, which ends up feeling like being on a roller coaster that has spontaneously combusted and has become stuck mid-ascension. Coincidentally, many Lifetime original movies share that same distinction. And you know what they say about fiery roller coaster rides that have are stuck in mid-air: you can’t look away no matter how hard you try. That has to be a saying somewhere, right?
So, in honor of the Lifetime-filled weekend we’re about to have, here is my internet palm-reading of what your first relationship was like based on your favorite Lifetime movie, otherwise known as the one that caused you the least amount of self-hatred for watching.
Liz & Dick - The One With The Too-Well-Knowns
How You Met: Eyeing each other across the room at a party with 9 other popular kids from your school. You were having trouble figuring out if he was cute or not because you weren’t used to the contacts that you got the day before yet. But luckily he was. And, as society dictates, you exchanged screen names and looked out for your initials in his away message later that night.
How You Managed: Perfectly…or so you thought. Your whirlwind romance stretched over a long three months, filled with holding hands across the lunch room table and sharing cookies from the school store. But the rumors that were going around about each of you were staring to get to the both of you. People don’t realize that there is a price to pay for being a bonafide school celebrity.
How You Ended: In a screechy, teary yelling match over the phone that was then talked about for ages (a week) back in school.
Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal - The One That Was Imbalanced
How You Started- You pursued him and he was like, “yeah, sure, I’ll go out with you” because he was really excited that he didn’t have to ask you out.
How You Managed- You wore the pants, skirt, jorts, and kilt in the relationship. He didn’t really like pizza but you did so that’s what you ate every day on your ~after school dates~. You actually could’ve done just as well dating your backpack or notebook because that’s how much input he had in the relationship.
How You Ended- Your friend started dating an older guy who had a friend who knew someone whose dad had a motorcycle so, duh, you were sold! You broke up with him and may or may not have broken his heart but whose fault was it really that he bored you so much?
Hunger Point - The One With Too Much Parental Involvement
How You Started- You were at a family barbecue and your mom’s childhood friend brought over a pineapple upside-down cake as well as her son, who was around your age (give or take two years). You didn’t really care for either of the two things she brought but when they were forced onto you by your mom, you relented to both.
How You Managed- He grew on you and the fact that he always smelled like the Blistex that comes in the blue container (aka the strongest-smelling one) stopped bothering you so much. Plus, it was great that your parents knew and loved him already because they would always drive you guys to the movies or the bowling alley since that was all there was to do.
How You Ended- When one of you moved away. It was a sad day but was even sadder when you realized that you would have to actively participate in meeting your next boyfriend because you were sure your pushy mom didn’t have any more friends whose sons she could hook you up with. That’s a privilege that should never be under-appreciated.
Pregnancy Pact - The One Ruined By Friends
How You Started- Your BFF told you that Carl told Jess that Danny told Alex that Carl liked you and that you had to hook up with him because you were made for each other. You weren’t sure who in that sentence liked you but you went with it because you were young and young people generally just go with things.
How You Managed- You barely had anything to talk about so you always just sat next to each other and said “sooo…” in varying tones. You periodically forgot that you were going out but you were sure that you were, like, basically in love or something.
How You Ended- During a game of 7 Minutes In Heaven where you were chosen to go in the closet with your “boyfriend,” you agreed that you didn’t really fit together and should just be friends. Of course, that meant awkwardly passing each other in the hall for the next few weeks and then adding each other on Facebook after not having spoken for years. Typical.
Dirty Teacher - The One With The Older Guy
(Lifetime via Crushable)
How You Started- Your older brother’s cute friend (who grew up to be mildly creepy) was into you, despite you being 3 years younger than he was. He asked you out and after swooning for 5 consecutive minutes, you managed to say yes because, obv.
How You Managed- You felt really cool and everyone knew that you were going out with an older guy, making every guy who was your age feel like you were out of their league.
How You Ended- He lost interest in you because he realized that you were a little kid compared to him and that 3 years is a lot when you’re still a teenager. Everyone around you simultaneously thought, “duh, stupid. I could’ve told you that.” And then you read “When I Was One And Twenty” over and over for the next month because you felt like it spoke to your soul.
Amanda Knox: Murder On Trial In Italy - The One With The Murder (????)
Wait…maybe let’s hope that no one’s first relationship (or any of the following ones) resembled the one in this movie because they were accused murderers on trial together. Carry on, please.
(Lead Photo: IMDb)