Paula Deen’s Apology Video Is Some Grade A Bullcrap

Paula Deen on the Today show January 2012UPDATE UPDATE: Paula up and got fired from Food Network, ya’ll. Are you shocked or are you really shocked?

UPDATE: This story is the terrible gift that keeps on giving. Paula has now released what she seems to think is an apology video, with strange edits, long pauses, and heaps and heaps of insincerity! Check it out at the bottom.

I just realized that we at Crushable have done a very neglectful thing — we haven’t kept you up-to-date on the Paula Deen saga, which is quite the saga, so I deeply apologize. We’ve just been so busy gaping at it like the car crash that it is that we forgot to fill you in on what’s been going on. But that all stops today.

In case you don’t know who she is, Paula has hosted a variety of shows on The Food Network, mostly consisting of her melting butter down, folding it into a butter sauce, and topping it with butter. Except recently she’s been very publicly (and unsurprisingly, if you’ve ever gotten a look at her recipes) struggling with diabetes, so she’s been substituting heavy cream of late. Just the small sacrifices we all have to make for the good of our health and bodies. But anyway, Paula is currently being sued for racial and sexual workplace discrimination by a former employee.

When I first heard about it, I was inclined to think that it would probably turn into a he-said-she-said type of ordeal, settled out of court and whatnot, and we’d never find out exactly what took place or exactly how racist Paula Deen was or wasn’t. It’s just, that’s how things like this usually go. Whether or not they said the things in questions, once a celebrity gets called on being inappropriate, they usually either apologize and say they know better, or deny that it ever happened. So that’s what I was expecting.

…until I clapped my eyes on the deposition. And oh my god you guys, it is unbelievable. Just to give you a tasty tingle, the way it starts out is with the question for Paula, “Have you ever used the n-word yourself?” and her response is “Yes, of course.” YES OF COURSE. What?! Girl what are you doing? What is the of course about? For some reason, anytime I hear that, it cracks me up. It’s just so incredibly inappropriate and represents such a divorce from reality that I can’t help but laugh because it makes me so uncomfortable. Does this woman know what she’s being sued for? I won’t recap all the ridiculous things she says in the deposition except to say that the lawyer who’s deposing her is on a walk in the park. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up doing this whole thing pro bono, because all he has to do is occasionally say “okay, okay” as Paula rambles on and digs herself into a hole. Okay, I lied. Here’s one more segment, and then I’m done:

What about jokes, if somebody is telling a joke that’s got —
It’s just what they are, they’re jokes.

Okay. Would you consider those to be using the N word in a mean way?
That’s — that’s kind of hard. Most — most jokes are about Jewish people, rednecks, black folks. Most jokes target — I don’t know. I didn’t make up the joke, I don’t know. I can’t — I don’t know.

Okay.

They usually target, though, a group. Gays or straights, black, redneck, you know, I just don’t know — I just don’t know what to say. I can’t, myself, determine what offends another person.
Well, if you were sitting around at home just with you and your family, would you feel any hesitation in telling a joke that you thought was funny if it had the N-word in it?
I don’t tell jokes, not at my house. That’s —

Do the other members of your family tell jokes at home?
Yes.

Okay.
Yes.

And they told jokes using the N-word?
I’m sure they have. My husband is constantly telling me jokes.

Okay. And have — are you offended at all by those jokes?
No, because it’s my husband.

Honestly, where do you even start with that? She just keeps volunteering information that makes things so much worse for herself. I’m not saying the woman should lie, but she should have the common sense to be like, “I recall it happening, it was inappropriate and I apologize.” But instead she’s like, “Yeah I said it and here’s why: because jokes aren’t funny without it!” It’s insane.

Paula was apparently supposed to go on the Today show this morning to respond to the allegations, but Matt Lauer reported that she pulled out at the last minute, probably because whatever lawyer allowed her to go into that deposition un-prepped realized they should cut their losses and take her underground in hopes that this will all blow over.

…or not. Here’s the apology video that Paula just released. Please to enjoy the stammering, long pauses, glazed look in the eye, and tasteful jump edits. It makes no sense, and it reeks of insincerity. This thing just doesn’t end.

Hoo boy.

(Image: Mr. Blue / WENN.com)

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