Miley Cyrus has this song called “We Can’t Stop,” and we seriously can’t stop hearing about it. There was the release of the song itself, then the teaser for video, which just featured Miley falling asleep during production, and then Miley shot down rumors that she was referencing drugs when she sang about molly (or Miley?). Well, we finally have this music video in front of our faces, and I went into it thinking it would just be Miley being Miley, with a little light twerking and a few bare midriffs. But guys, I was not prepared for what happened. Is Miley absolutely certain she’s not talking about being on molly? Is she certain she wasn’t on molly when she made this video? Am I on molly right now?! What did I just watch?!
The first thing I’m gonna need you to do is watch the video for yourself, because I need to know I didn’t hallucinate it. Once you’ve done that, we need to talk this out, maybe even twerk it out, maybe start a support group, possibly go into the Witness Protection Program, because there are things in this video I don’t think anyone was supposed to see, and I’m concerned for my safety. I’m gonna start trying on wigs and testing out fake names as soon as I finish this post, because I don’t think I can confidently go out in public as myself anymore.
The video starts off harmlessly enough. Just some requisite bed-writhing and a guy eating a cash sandwich. I get it, Lady Gaga, you’re beautiful, dirty, rich. I’m actually pretty impressed with the skull made out of French fries. Artsy and delicious. But then slowly things start to unravel. Like, in a guy-with-two-tongues/dancing-teddy-bear/twerk-spelled-out-in-alphabet-soup/taxidermy kind of way.
But the point where the video officially made me question my eyeballs is when Miley goes for a dip with an oversize Barbie dressed exactly like her, and then proceeds to make out with it. Remember that SNL skit where Emma Stone makes out with a puppet (see below for a helpful reminder)? Yeah, it’s kinda like that, except creepier because this time they’re doppelgangers.
In case you didn’t already do as I suggested and watch the video (pretty understandable, since me asking was kind of like taking a bite of food, making a disgusted face and then asking someone else to try it), I won’t spoil the rest for you. Believe me, there’s plenty more to enjoy, slash be horrified by.
I know you supposedly “can’t stop,” Miley, but please try. Also P.S. I know you have a butt, you can stop putting it closer to the camera than your face is.