Well go ahead and put meat in my dessert kugel because last night’s episode of Princesses: Long Island revealed that Erica Gimbel’s going to this season’s disaster. Sure every reality show has one person that will follow up their TV debut with a rehab sesh, I just didn’t put my money on this gal. So let’s recap what happened last night and mentally tally all the times you found this show offensive. Mmkay?
We pick up where we left off last week. In middle school. I’m sorry, I meant at Chanel Omari’s Shabbat dinner in the Hamptons where everyone’s behaving like an adult. Erica and Casey have a super mature sit down in the backyard where Casey’s like “you stealing my boyfriend ruined my life and I have to live with that every day of my life.” And then goes into some stuff about how the whole experience reminded her of the time her dad left her and Erica’s basically just like her dad and holy impromptu therapy session. Seriously, get this girl in counseling — sounds like she might be confusing her daddy issues with a high school incident that happened 10 years ago.
As they’re wrapping up their non-apology apology to each other, Amanda Bertouchi and Jeff-Who-Makes-Me-Uncomfortable arrive. One of these days, we’re going to have to get around to discussing Jeff. What is he? And why is he? It always makes me suspicious when a man has to walk around telling us how turned on he is by his girlfriend. That’s supposed to be an unspoken fact — hence the whole dating thing. It’s not often you meet a young couple who’s like, “ehh, she doesn’t really do it for me in that department, but she’s someone who lets me pay for her dinner and I’ve been looking for that.” But we’ll save that convo for another time, loop Joe Gorga in and get back to Erica for now.
She refuses to join them for brunch because she hates egg white omelettes. Just kidding, these aren’t the kind of girls who would eat at places where you can’t pay $5 to swap out real eggs for egg beaters. She skips brunch because she’s a drama queen — and because she had to call her boyfriend Jeff to come save her from this horrible Hamptons weekend. In real life, you get out of uncomfortable situations by leaving. In Long Island you make them worse by dragging more people in. So Rob comes out and confronts Casey in a bar about being nice to Erica. And Casey’s like, “thank you very much for getting involved in my business, it never escalates a situation when a third party who wasn’t there when it happened decides to weight in.”
Then Erica proceeds to get wasted and do fun wasted things like fall down on camera in front of everyone and then be like “hey did you just see me fall down??” and everyone’s like “yeah….that happened 13 seconds ago and we were all STANDING RIGHT HERE!” And Erica’s like, “oh, okay, didn’t see you and the entire camera crew there.” Then they all go home and talk about Erica’s problems while she stumbles around about 5 feet from them. Suddenly everyone’s one-upping each other with stories and exaggerated concern. Someone says “I’ve always been worried about her!” and the next person’s like “worried? I’ve feared for her life!” Then the next person’s like “feared for her life? I considered buying a hitman for her!” Then everyone’s like “Cassseyyyy!” Lolsies. Casey’s totally changed paths on her Erica warpath now and is totally throwing a pity party for her. She realizes it’s so sad that she’s even cared about Erica all these years because Erica’s life is super pathetic and her life is fabulous and she’s on a reality show and got to have the first real cry of the season and you can’t beat that.
So l’chaim to another great episode of Princesses: Long Island. And to Ashlee White calling her Dad every five minutes. I still refuse to believe she’s a real person and not a troll come to life who’s destined to live in my purse.