Father’s Day is coming up, you guys, and I know this because, suddenly, every department store has very manly thingsÂ in their display windows like grills, golf ball sets and giant flank steaks. This holiday is a lot different than its sister holiday (wife holiday?), Mother’s Day, because there is no Edible Arrangement full of ties and engraved money clips so you kind of have to wing it. And by wing it, I absolutely mean “have a mild panic attack because you waited until the night before your Father’s Day brunch until you settle on something like a grill, a set of golf balls, or a giant steak.”
It’s also a good idea to get him a nice little card, in which you should write something nice about him being a good father. Something like, “Thanks so much for not smothering me as an infant even though I cried all night!” should do the trick. In case you’re not into talks of asphyxiation (weirdo), you could also just thank him for not being anything like these TV fathers, none of whom should have been entrusted with the responsibility of caring for their TV children.
1. Danny Tanner from Full HouseÂ (played byÂ Bob Saget)
I thought I’d start off this list with a little controversy because I, like my good friend Mandy Bynes, like to stir up drama whenever I can. Everyone loves Danny Tanner because he’s got a good head of hair and is a regular Bieber-level heartthrob to moms everywhere. But I say look past that hair, America, and into the little neurotic brain that is possessed by America’s “dream dad” (who, if everything goes as predicted, is soon to be de-throned by David Beckham). He not only cleans like he is clinically insane, even giving the cleaning products the occasional scrub-down, but he also lets his creepy mullet-haired comedian friend live in a house that he shares with his three young daughters. And I’m not saying that mullets are inherently creepy, I am just saying thatÂ Joey GladstoneÂ both had a mullet and is creepy. Connect the dots on your own, if you will.
2. Al Bundy fromÂ Married…With ChildrenÂ (played byÂ Ed O’Neill)
Al Bundy is the kind of dad whose family immediately disperses from the living room once he walks in the door because he is a nightmare to be around. I guess when you consider the fact that his life was identical to those cautionary tales of what will happen if you cut class in high school, it makes total sense that he was a cynical, unsupportive and cold guy. Â My favorite part of this story is how Ed O’Neill went on to play — an admittedly nicer version of — Al onÂ Modern FamilyÂ so maybe we should start interviewing Ed’s kids to make sure everything was alright growing up. (I am just kidding, please put away your bludgeoning devices.)
3. Don Draper from Mad MenÂ (played byÂ Jon Hamm)
Don is good at a lot of things. Like, an inhuman amount of things. I’d actually like to go on record and suggest that Don Draper is, in fact, the real Superman that the world needs (sorry about that, HenryÂ “I Am Beautiful” Cavill). But, most importantly, Don Draper is phenomenal at being an exceptionally horrible father to his three kids. Watching him repeatedly scar them for life by straight upÂ ruining their innocence or putting his work (way, way) before them, is really cringeworthy. And, also, he treats their mom like an actual mud rug mat that is placed at your front door. No, I actually take that back. He treats her far worse than that.
4. Walter White fromÂ Breaking BadÂ (played byÂ Bryan Cranston)
Walter isn’t the worst dad you could ever have, but he’s still one who will probably cause each one of his kids problems in their future relationships. He takes neglect to whole new levels by becoming consumed with his very humble line of work (making crystal meth) and forgetting that his sperm ever mixed with his wife’s lady eggs! I also assume that he doesn’t know or doesn’t care that kids usually look up to their parents so he shouldn’t be surprised if one of his kids ever list his or her dream career as “drug kingpin”. Who knows, maybe they can make this all an illicit family drug business and finally get that indoor swimming pool of dirty money that all drug dealers dream of.
5.Â Mike Brady from The Brady BunchÂ (played byÂ Robert Reed)
The Brady Bunch is, like, the most classically American show that I can think of and it pioneered the subset of television centered around huge, drama-filled families. So huge, actually, that the family needs an entire Microsoft Excel spreadsheet to introduce their family full of good-looking children. But the craziest part is that the family is so big because the dad, Mike, kind of gets married to some rando woman who has three kids of her own and is moving in before his three sons can say “Don’t open the door, I’m busy!!!” I’m just saying, maybe you should check and see if everyone is cool with a drastic life change that will forever guarantee that your sons will have to remove long blonde strands of hair from every surface that they encounter.
Are you on the phone with the Bureau ofÂ Fictional Child Services, yet? No? Then click over to the next page.