• Fri, Jun 14 2013

The Bling Ring Is Spring Breakers Lite

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(Photo: Sheknows.com)

The highly anticipated Bling Ring hits theaters this weekend and everyone’s all jazzed up about the thought of seeing Emma Watson play a bad girl with a tattoo. Let me repeat that in case that thought didn’t make you fall out of your chair and into your dreams, a TATTOO. It’s scandalous, it’s sexy and it’s just enough to make you forget that the girl robbing celebrities ever had ambitions to free house elves. But that’s not what we’re hear to discuss today. When the Internet met last week to discuss this movie, we agree that it’s only fair that TrampStamps.gov got to talk about Emma Watson’s role in extreme detail.

So instead we’re going to talk about your diet. And how you can lose ten pounds in time for the beach tomorrow by eating healthy, doing a few simple crunches and cutting off your right leg. Just kidding, your pop culture diet. Because sometimes you go to see a movie and it turns out to be a little too heavy for you. Sure it looked good when you saw trailers and sure it sounded good when everyone described it. But it sure didn’t sit well with you when you saw it. Turns out that maybe you didn’t need to see James Franco, Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens play 50 Shades of Grey in the pool before committing mass murder.

And if that’s the case, then you’re going to love The Bling Ring. It’s Spring Breakers lite. It’s the same amount of young girls gone wild, with half the calories. And by calories, I mean that uncomfortable pit that developed in your stomach as you saw the cameras pan up and down bouncing boobs for several minutes. It’s not that you’re uncomfortable with boobs, it’s more like you’re uncomfortable feeling like a creepy old guy who pulls out his binoculars to ogle young women who are unaware he’s watching.

While the film certainly had its problems (like Sofia Coppola’s decision to not focus on the court room scenes and the aftermath of the burglaries at all), it entertains. And what more can you ask for these days? So let me walk you through it so you can decide if it’s the right movie for you to see this weekend. Beware that some of the following sentences will contain spoilers. But it’s a true story and it’s your fault if you didn’t spend all your time in the last ’00s following it. Seriously what were you doing? School? L-a-m-e. Do you think this gal (I’m pointing two thumbs at myself here) got to where I am by putting school ahead of Hollywood scandals. Nope.

Just like Spring Breakers, we have a pretty young group of girls who seem to lack morals, values and everything else that separates normal people from sociopaths. But unlike Spring Breakers, these girls do have parents that you see in the movie. Their behavior throughout the movie indicates that they might not be the best parents in the world (or even the most mediocre parents), but they do exist. Leslie Mann plays Emma Watson’s mom and I’d go as far as to say that it’s one of her most fun roles yet. Rather than playing an uptight, unappreciated mother, she gets to play one who homeschools her daughters using The Secret as her main textbook. Do you know who played Vanessa Hudgen’s mother in Spring Breakers? A wolf. A rabid wolf. At least with these girls, you know that someone’s going to visit them in prison on the weekends. Wolves rarely get security clearance for a visitor’s pass — even in Florida.

And similar to Spring Breakers, this group of girls doesn’t believe in following certain rules. And by rules, I’m talking about nationally recognized laws. Except the killing spree that goes on during Spring Breakers will make the theft that goes on in The Bling Ring look like child’s play. While you’re definitely into rebelling against the man, you won’t feel like you just witnessed something so horrible that you need to go into hiding to prevent the same thing from happening to you. Watching a rag-tag bunch of rich kids rob stupid celebrities (and I do mean stupid, um you’re rich, lock your doors please) generally proves to be a fun time. Watching a rag-tag bunch of lunatics in pink ski masks murder drug dealers doesn’t give you the same happy-go-lucking feelings.

Last but not most certainly not least, both movies feature notoriously good girls gone bad — as well as cocaine! And dare I say it, Emma Watson pulled it off far better than Selena Gomez. Probably because Selena Gomez went from tween to weed-smoking-partier in .2 seconds. We had a little bit more of a transition with Emma since she hung out with weed smokers in a basement in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. So I feel like that prepped me for her bad girl act a little better than Selena Gomez. With that said, her ’80s valley girl accent really threw me off. At some points she really nailed it. But at most points she did not. She’s a decent little actor, but maybe we can just have her be British in all her roles going forward. And also be a wizard and also be Hermione Granger. Just half-kidding, I know she had to grow up at some point. And so do we on and blah, real life womps.

As you’ve probably figured out by now, I much prefer The Bling Ring to Spring Breakers. If you’re going to see a bunch of pretty actors do something not so pretty, this one is the one to see. It might not be anywhere near as “artistic” or “Britney-Spearys”, but it’s much more enjoyable and followable and easy to look up online and find out how much of it actually happened in real life.

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