• Fri, Jun 14 - 3:22 pm ET

Dear Charlie Sheen, Please Leave Middle-Earth Out Of Your Rant Against Farrah Abraham

Charlie Sheen Dublin March 2013

Before we could even say, “Wait, what’s this about Farrah Abraham texting Charlie Sheen?” the man himself has put his signature Charlie Sheen spin on the situation. You might have heard that teen-mom-turned-sex-tape-enthusiast Farrah Abraham allegedly leaked a private text conversation between her and Charlie to the press. It was just your run-of-the-mill conversation about getting a role on his show Anger Management and maybe meeting up for coffee. Charlie said “coffee is for amateurs and grandma” but that he’d love to meet up with her regardless. Nothing especially weird about it, except considering the people involved.

But now that the texts got out, Charlie has reverted back to his old “winning” self that we once knew and were confused by, writing a letter to Farrah which TMZ has obtained. And as a Lord of the Rings fan and a rational human being, I’m not exactly nodding my head in agreement. Allow me to elaborate.

Charlie starts the letter by calling Farrah a “desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua.” I’m assuming this is his way of promoting his new fragrance, whose name is an impressive combination of French and Spanish. But then he goes on to not only stretch the bounds of the English language but also insult one of the greatest fictional realms ever created:

please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.

I’m sure the lack of capitalization is his own tribute to e.e. cummings, but let’s leave Middle-earth out of this situation, okay, Charlie? None of its inhabitants, not hobbit nor elf nor even Uruk-hai, did anything to hurt you, as far as I can tell, and neither did Middle-earth’s creator, J.R.R. Tolkien, who by my calculations has rolled over in his grave fifteen times today. That beats the record held by Elizabeth Taylor (fourteen) on the night your mentee Lindsay Lohan’s film Liz & Dick premiered. By the staff of Gandalf! Does someone need a respite at Rivendell to calm down? Charlie signs the letter “cs,” which I’m sure also insulted the Narnia fans. I’m still searching for the Harry Potter references.

The irony of this whole situation is that Charlie seemed pleasant and sane enough in his initial text conversation, but his objection to the leak is infinitely more nonsensical and WTFFFFFF. What does Charlie Sheen have against Charlie Sheen that he has to keep making himself look so ridiculous?

By the way, you should read the rest of the letter, which includes a reference to “tranny-boobs” and the use of the word “congratz.”

(Photo: WENN.com)

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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  • jenver

    Can we send her to Mars then? Or maybe the sun? She can take her pick – cold or hot.