You know that thing where you go over to someone’s house for a super classy dinner party, and they seem like a totally normal, wonderful couple in real life? But then as soon as the richly paneled oak doors close behind you and the rest of the invitees, things suddenly turn sour, and your hosts are at each other’s throats? (Or, alternately, if you’re like me and haven’t matured to the level yet that you’re getting invited to dinner parties, can you imagine such a thing happening? Good, great.) You had this perfect, sterling image of the couple, but as soon as you look a teeeeensy bit closer, you realize that they’re falling apart at the seams, hurling champagne and caviar at each other across the table. (Alexis-life translation: Bud Light and Combos.)
Well, that’s how we feel about some of the celebrity couples out there in the game right now. (Which is a time-appropriate feeling considering that a new season of Couples Therapy premieres tonight.) They’re flying under the radar, getting tons of great press, but if you get out your magnifying glass (read: obsessively scan the blind item gossip pages on a daily basis and let your imagination run wild), you’ll see that they’re really not so perfect after all. So since you probably don’t have the eight free hours a day that we here at Crushable have to frantically mine the internet for clues, we’ve compiled a handy list for you, of the Ten Celebrity Couples Who Belong In Couples Therapy. Please do enjoy, and join me in not judging them too harshly. I’m sure I can’t be the only one who fell asleep while eating yesterday.
1. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel
(Photos: News Pictures, ENN/ Joe Alvarez)
I know you guys hate it when I talk like this, but I’m just not convinced that Justin and Jessica even know they’re married to each other. I feel like they have nothing in common, and it’s not because I’ve never met either of them, okay?!? I was listening to NSYNC when Jessica was still just a beautiful, shiny-haired glint in her father’s eye, so I think I deserve at least one more crack at JT. Especially after all the nice things I had to say about his most recent trailer for Runner Runner.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Noncompatibility Disorder. Say ten Hail Marys give Justin my phone number.
2. Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth
(Photos: News Pics,WENN/Nikki Nelson/WENN)
Oh I’m sorry, do I even need to explain this one? I think they might actually already be in therapy. They got engaged last summer when Miley was nineteen and haven’t been photographed together in months. Plus this whole disappearing-reappearing act that Miley’s been playing with her engagement ring suggests that maybe just maybe she and Liam aren’t on the same page.
Unofficial Diagnosis: a classic case of Twitterus Narcissismus. Unlikely to twerk it out.
3. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
(Photos: Dave Bedrosian Future Image, WENN/Apega,WENN)
You might’ve thought I’d be tempted to make this about Ben and his wife Jennifer Garner, but I prefer to look to Matt Damon, the real scorned woman in his life, because I’m really hoping that Ben and Jen actually have it on lockdown. HOPING. Ben and Matt haven’t been properly focused on each other for years, and you can tell the relationship is really suffering for it. Ben didn’t even invite Matt up onstage when he gave his Oscar speech for Argo, a real departure from the first time around.
Unofficial Diagnosis: in the late stages of Pangaea Syndrome, signified by extensive drifting apart.
4. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
(Photos: WENN/ Nikki Nelson, WENN)
I want these two to go to therapy for the sole reason that Justin needs to keep Selena in his life. No one else has been nearly as effective at keeping Justin inside his shirts and outside of his new leopard-print Audi, but her influence appears to be slipping.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Bieber Fever, and the only prescription is more selfies.
5. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith
(Photos: Fayes Vision,WENN /Joy Scheller, Photo/WENN)
Anyone who raises their kids with approximately the same level of supervision as The Boxcar Children should probably have a quick sit-down just to go over things. Like why it’s not quite appropriate to open-mouth kiss your fifteen-year old son Jaden on national television.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Laissez-faire-itis. Send parental reinforcements.
6. Taylor Swift
(Photos: Richfoto, WENN)
Yes, by herself. Might as well nip this troubling trend in the bud.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Severe Common Sense Allergy. I prescribe less house-hunting, more soul-searching.
7. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
Um, IS THIS A REAL COUPLE? I need to know, because never have I ever encountered a man less interested in his own babymama / babybaby.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Jesus Complex. I recommend an immediate break-up.
8. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
(Photos: WENN/ Brian To,WENN)
I don’t even have anything against these two as a pair, I’m just surprised Justin would want to be around a successful, beautiful, charming, wealthy, talented woman when she’s so obviously worthless, having been rejected by Brad Pitt nigh on eight years ago! Also she’s been pregnant and unpregnant more times than Michelle Duggar at this point! Ever heard of damaged goods? Jeepers.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Wombus Barrenus. Increase tabloid coverage.
9. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart
(Photos: Visual, WENN/FayesVision, WENN)
Are these two even still together? It’s hard to tell anymore, but if they don’t sit down and hash it out soon, there’s nothing to prevent Kristen from having another super-stealth-not-at-all-fake-affair in an uber-secret location safe from all paparazzi, like right underneath the Hollywood sign.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Stage III Publicitus Stuntus. The only remedy is another Twilight movie.
10. Joe Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler
(Photos: FayesVision, WENN /WENN)
Okay sure, one of them isn’t even famous, but with a name like Blanda Eggenschwiler, you should already have a therapist on retainer. Mostly I just want them to get cozy enough again that they reach a joint decision to release this rumored sex tape that I keep hearing so much about. Then all my wildest blogger dreams could finally come true.
Unofficial Diagnosis: Downward Spiral Disorder. Quarantine immediately and replace with saner Jonas Brother.