• Tue, Jun 11 2013

A Comprehensive Timeline Of Shia LaBeouf’s Douchebaggery

Shia LaBeouf attending New York premiere of 'The Company You Keep' MoMA April 2013Happy 27th birthday to Hollywood’s Shia LaBeouf! May he spend his day celebrating with the kind of calculated acts of douche-baggery that we’ve come to expect of late! Give a hip hip, huzzah and pour some out for our homies who can’t be here, preferably onto this very expensive-looking carpet. But as we celebrate, let us also learn for the first time from our coworkers that things were not always this way. As it turns out, the name ‘Shia LaBeouf’ was not always so directly translated as ‘washing the beef’, which is how the French refer to the act of douching. In fact, there was a time when Shia was but a little boy on a television show known as Even Stevens, which is one of those Disney shows I’m told I should be super well-versed in, had I been allowed to watch television before the year 2001. But because of that little obstacle to my own childhood happiness (curse you, Oregon hippie parents!), I had no idea that Shia had a life before he emerged onto my consciousness like a bronzed god in 2007 with Transformers.

Of course, since this is Shia, he began slowly and deliberately chipping away at the image he’d created almost immediately, and has succeeded to such a great degree that the man we see before us today bears almost no relation to that smiling, talented kid from my memory bank. So what happened, guys? Were there warning signs? Could we have prevented this? If we had told him years ago that his facial hair looked like it had been transplanted from his pubis, could this all have been avoided? I don’t have answers yet, but come along with me, and we’ll find out together. I present to you: A Comprehensive Timeline of Shia LaBeouf’s Douchebaggery.

1986. Shia is born, registering his lowest ever rating on the Douchebaggery Scale.
Douchebaggery Rating: 0

1996. As a ten year old, Shia premieres a stand up act pairing the vulgarity of a dirty-mouthed fifty year old with the baby-faced kid. It kills, and if I had to guess, he’s been chasing this dragon ever since. It’s just not as cute when sassmouth comes out of a twenty-seven year old.
Douchebaggery Rating: 3

2000 – 2003. Shia stars on the previously mentioned Disney show Even Stevens. We both know I didn’t watch it, but it’s Disney, so his scores are lower than when he did his dirty stand-up routine.
Douchebaggery Rating: 2

2003. Shia stars in Holes. This was a great book and movie, so I’m keeping Shia’s scores low. Even if he was a diva on-set, I DON’T WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT.
Douchebaggery Rating: 1

2004-2007. A series of notable roles come Shia’s way, solidifying his reputation as a talented young actor in movies like Disturbia and Constantine. He’s not famous yet, and thus has very little cause to flex his douche muscle.
Douchebaggery Rating: 2

2005. Oh hello! Shia gets into a confrontation with some kids in his Studio City apartment complex after they allegedly rear-ended and insulted his mother. So he brings a friend AND A KNIFE to go give them a talking to. Um, let’s not do that! Luckily things don’t escalate to a stabbing or an arrest, but Shia does get assaulted by six kids.
Douchebaggery Rating: 5

April 2007. Shia hosts Saturday Night Live. There is no adequate data about his douchiness because Avril Lavigne was also on the show and her presence destroyed the delicate readings of all the sensors.
Douchebaggery Rating: Unknown, but suspected at a 4

2007. Arrested for criminal trespassing at a Walgreens in Chicago.
Douchebaggery Rating: 6 (it’d be lower, but c’mon man…a Walgreens?)

March 2008. A bench warrant is issued to Shia for failure to appear on unlawful smoking charge.
Douchebaggery Rating: holding steady at 6, because cigarette smoking is super douchey.

July 2008. At 3am, Shia was sideswiped in his truck by a car running a red light, crushing his fingers. The officer on the scene smelled alcohol on his breath, and since Shia refused a Breathalyzer, he was arrested for misdemeanor drunk driving, although he was later cleared of blame in the incident.
Douchebaggery Rating: 7 (drinking and driving is no joke, guys)

August 2009 – October 2010. Shia dates Carey Mulligan, significantly improving his score because she is great and I want to be her.
Douchebaggery Rating: 3

2010. Shia runs the LA marathon. Still dropping that score, because I’m impressed by his stick-to-it-iveness. Killin’ it right now, Shia. Killin’ it.
Douchebaggery Rating: 1

2010. Shia admits he dropped the ball on Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. On the one hand, good for Shia for being modest, but on the other, kinda douchey to call out your movie for not being the best thing ever.
Douchebaggery Rating: 4

February 2011. Shia gets punched in the face after an altercation at a bar.
Douchebaggery Rating: I’ll give it a 6 because it’s unclear who started what.

August 2011. Shia admits to having being in a relationship with Megan Fox while she was still with her now-husband Brian Austin Green and having dated Isobel Lucas while she was still with Adrian Grenier. Mad douche-y, bro. Mad douche-y.
Douchebaggery Rating: 8

June 2012. Gets naked in a confusing music video for Sigur Ros.
Douchebaggery Rating: 7

August 2012. Reveals that he dropped acid for role. Oookay buddy. In the words of Laurence Olivier, “Why not try acting?”
Douchebaggery Rating: 7

August 2012. Reveals he was consistently drunk on the set of Lawless. He’s having a banner month for revelations — also, see above.
Douchebaggery Rating: 8

August 2012. Shia announces that in his next movie, Nymphomaniac, he’ll be having real sex with his costar.
Douchebaggery Rating: 7

August 2012. Just kidding, no he won’t be.
Douchebaggery Rating: 9

August 2012. He may not be having real sex in a movie, but he will be taking real drugs for a movie. Shia takes acid and live-tweets his experience.
Douchebaggery Rating: 7

August 2012. Shia says in an interview that filming Transformers was like having a finger stuck up his ass. Seriously, will this month never end?
Douchebaggery Rating: 10

March 2013. Drops out of the Broadway show Orphans and initiates a highly-publicized feud with former co-star Alec Baldwin by tweeting, giving interviews, and sitting in the first row of the show to troll the cast.
Douchebaggery Rating: 11.  On a scale of 1 – 10. I’m honestly impressed.

October 2013. Discovers that his new favorite way to promote movies is by posting naked photos with sneaky peeks of his pube region. He does this for Nymphomaniac and it gives him such a rush that he repeats the process over again for his film Charlie Countryman.
Douchebaggery Rating: 6. I mean it’s annoying, but he’s definitely done worse.

November 2013. Remember back in August 2012 when Shia took acid to prepare for a movie role? Well turns out A. It was for the film Charlie Countryman, B. Nobody told him to do it, C. Even his director didn’t know he had done it, and D. He took the wrong drug regardless. His character does ecstasy, Shia did acid. SMH.
Douchebaggery Rating: 8. You’re an idiot.

December 2013. After being approached in a restaurant for an autograph, Shia made a female fan of his cry, and threatened the life of her boyfriend when he attempted to intervene, saying, “I can get you killed.”
Douchebaggery Rating: 9. The way he’s been acting, those were likely his last fans on earth, so maybe tread a little more carefully.

And this is where we find ourselves. Where shall we go from here? To more of his old tricks? Or will he decide to take the opportunity to drop some of these habits and get back into the Disney game? ONLY TIME WILL TELL. Don’t party too hardy, brah. There’s cops in them thar hills.

(Image: Michael Carpenter / WENN.com)

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