Let’s all give a big hip hip hooray for Desiree Hartsock, who’s really been pouring it out for her homies who couldn’t be here lately on The Bachelorette. I should mention that in this case the things that she’s been pouring out have been the ratings, and the homies who couldn’t be here are the viewers. Just to be clear. And even just to clarify a little further, the viewers could be here. They just elected not to be. Thus we reach the heart of the issue: this season of ABC’s long-suffering…I mean long-running show premiered to audiences 27% lower than last season. To be fair, it’s a difficult comparison to make, as Desiree’s episode aired on Memorial Day, which traditionally has a lower viewership, but also to be fair, Emily Maynard was blond and giggly with a tinkling laugh and she didn’t lose her season. Just saying. Plus the second episode of this season actually dropped in viewership from the first episode, so it’s hard to blame it all on the holiday.
Also if we’re continuing on in the spirit of fairness, I did warn you that this would happen when you picked her, world, so see what happens when you ignore my advice? Terrible terrible things that hopefully won’t prove too detrimental to this pillar of American romance and television broadcasting. My friend runs an afterparty kind of show to recap every episode, and he told me the other night that their numbers have dropped significantly, too. For the first episodes last year, they’d start out with an audience of a little over thirty thousand for their live chats, where as this season they’re lucky to get six thousand. Damn, girl. Time to step it up a bit, Des. Maybe bring back your truth-telling brother or those delightful side bangs? I bet you could rustle up a few more fake tears for us, don’t you think?
Or maybe don’t, actually, because it’s probably a blessing that this show is finally starting to limp a little bit. It’s a silly joke that’s gone on for such a long time that we should be merciful and put it out of its misery. So thank you, Desiree, and your fake tears, and your fairytale dreams, and your Mystic-tanned guidos. Thank you for this little justice. You’re the Bachelorette we need right now, though not the one we deserve. Now BURN IT BURN IT ALL.