Toddlers And Tiaras returns tonight, which is a relief because I finally identified what exactly what was missing from my life, and it was screaming girlchildren all made up and standing in a row. There’s something about the timbre of a baby beauty queen’s voice that I just can’t get anywhere else; it’s the perfect combination of shrill and demanding, with just the tiniest dusting of Pixi Stick powder sprinkled over the top. Those little sassmouths know exactly what they want and how to get it, unless it’s for their moms to let them stop the pageant circuit and go back to being normal kids, in which case they have no idea how to make that happen.
But no matter what you think of the practice of dressing your three-year old up like a slutty cupcake and trotting her around the stage, I think you can acknowledge that this sort of upbringing really hones a child’s natural capacity for pouting, scheming, screaming, and manipulation. It takes a normal kid and turns them into a go-go juice-fueled star machine, pumping out waves and smiles and tantrums in quick succession. It’s excellent training for adulthood (it has to be, it just has to be), but because it’s a fairly recent phenomenon, we still have to wait another fifteen years or so to see how Honey Boo Boo Child will turn out as a grown-up. Until then, though, I have some ideas of celebrities we can look to for a sneak preview, in case you can’t wait that long. I know I can’t. I have places to go and cheeses to eat. So here they are, folks: Ten Celebrities Who Could’ve Gotten Their Start On Toddlers And Tiaras.
1. Kanye West. Um okay yeah have you SEEN the man pout? I’ma let you finish your award acceptance speech, but first I’m gonna come up onstage and take the microphone out of your hand because I’m a STAR.
Known on the circuit for: boycotting any pageant he doesn’t win.
2. Paris Hilton. The girl still speaks in a baby voice, for fart’s sake, and it’d be hard to master the technicolor baby blues and pinks that she favors for makeup without starting her training as a toddler, don’t you think?
Known on the circuit for: being best friends with a different fellow contestant every week.
3. Justin Bieber. Here we have a clear product of a boychild being told he’s a superstar from day one. If you tell a kid he has killer abs enough times, he’ll start believing you so hard that he’ll roam the streets of London shirtless in the winter.
Known on the circuit for: forgetting a pet at every pageant he attends.
4. Lindsay Lohan. Too much go-go juice, you guys. Need I say more? Guess it runs in the family.
Known on the circuit for: doing significant damage from behind the wheel of her Barbie Dream Car.
5. Miley Cyrus. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s fair for me to put Miley on this list, because I’m pretty sure she did come from the pageant circuit, fake teeth and all. That’s pretty much what Disney is, right? A beauty pageant for Mileybabies?
Known on the circuit for: her unique choice of talent — twerking.
6. Elton John. Where else do you think he dreamed up those costumes?
Known on the circuit for: Turning. It. Out.
7. Lea Michele. As someone who has seen Lea Michele in action firsthand, I can guarantee the only place she could’ve learned such diva-esque behavior is backstage at a baby beauty pageant.
Known on the circuit for: sabotaging her competition.
8. Rebel Wilson. A rare example of someone who emerges from the pageant scene as an actually likeable human being. I mean it has to happen once in a while — but can’t you totally imagine Honey Boo Boo growing up to be exactly like Rebel Wilson? Maybe Rebel is Honey Boo Boo’s looper.
Known on the circuit for: continuing to compete well into adulthood.
9. Jonah Hill. I’m just really enjoying the image of baby Jonah in a beard and a frilly pink dress. So sue me.
Known on the circuit for: originating the now-patented ‘show them your belly’ move.
10. Kim Kardashian. Don’t you think Kris Jenner is just the sort of hover-parent who would’ve gotten her entire family involved in kiddie pageants, had she only known they existed?
Known on the circuit for: a scandalous leaked footage of her holding hands with a fellow pageant baby Lil’ Ray J.