So for some zany reason that’s currently unclear, Jimmy Fallon invited Bruce Jenner to speak with him on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Maybe someone canceled at the last minute or maybe Kris Jenner cornered him in a back alley or maybe Jimmy slipped up momentarily and mixed him up with someone who’s relevant, but regardless of the reason, he somehow ended up there. And I’m 96% sure that moments after he sat down on that chair, Jimmy regretted inviting him.
Like a former middle school girl who’s long sought out revenge, he immediately confronted Jimmy (and all those other late night guys) about constantly making fun of his face. He’s all like, “it’s not a secret I had work done, I had it done on the show!” And Jimmy nervously laughs because what do you say in response to a man who’s clearly confused himself with Emily Thorne. Then, after he feels like he fully explained himself, he pulls out horrible photos of Jimmy Fallon not looking his best and is all, “how do YOU like it? HUH JIMMY?? HUH! HUH! HUH!” While this comeuppance clearly went over much more triumphantly in Bruce Jenner’s fantasies, he still seems pretty pleased with himself. I have no doubt that Mariah Carey’s “Hero” played in his head as he took out photo after photo after photo.
Finally, just when he thinks he has Jimmy right where he wants him, he brings up the K-word. That’s right, he name drops Kanye West — a man who seems to want nothing to with his entire family and man who Bruce Jenner recently admitted he’s only met once. As in one time. Despite that minor fact, Bruce is like, “Kanye’s real mad at you Jimmy for making fun of our family, oooo yeahh, you don’t want him mad at you.” To which Jimmy’s like, sure, okay, you got me Bruce, you win, you hit me where it hurts, right in the yeezy.” And then, upon hearing those words, Bruce smiled. He had completed his mission. But alas, he smiled too hard and too long and the tight skin on his face began to crack. Before anyone could try to stop him, his face literally burst into a million shiny pieces. The audience gasped, Jimmy said “meh” and Kanye sent a cease and desist order to him just in case he came back to life.
The only real evidence that he’d even been on the show last night appear to be two diamond studs that an assistant found on the set, long after the lights went out.