Good evening, Justin Bieber! Are you enjoying your time courtside at the Indiana Pacers vs. Miami Heat game? Actually I don’t know why I even bothered to ask, because you’re wearing a classic example of ‘traditional American enjoyment garb’, aka a leather t-shirt, copious chainz, indoor sunglasses, and an absurdly oversized hat. My apologies, Mr. Bieber, sir. When they say ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’, that picture to the left is exactly what they’re talking about, and all thousand of the words are ‘SWAG’. (As an interesting side note, the expression ‘never look a gift horse in the mouth’ is also about Justin Bieber, from that time he tried to admire himself in the reflection off a gift horse’s teeth and got stuck in a conversation about steel-cut oats for forty-five minutes. Brooklyn-based gift-horses are the worst.)
Anyway, I don’t know who taught you how to dress, sir, but I suspect his name was Scooter Braun, because while you are definitely not dressed like a human being in the world, you are one hundred percent dressed like a guy named Scooter. But seriously, where do you even buy a hat like that? Do you have to train it to perch up on your head like that instead of falling down around your ears, or does it already come with that knowledge? And what weather were you anticipating that a tasteful leather tee would have been appropriate? A light April sandstorm mostly targeting your torso? Were you expecting to wear chain mail today? Did you kill a man and decide to wear his skin? I need answers, Justin, or at least for Selena Gomez to be onsite to prevent these sorts of travesties from taking place.
(Image: Mike Ehrmann / Getty Images Sport)