While you spent your weekend tanning on the beach and trying to figure out if jorts and heels made you look edgy or trashy, Behind the Candelabra star Michael Douglas did an interview with The Guardian where he opened up and spoke about his recent bout with throat cancer. Even though cancer’s obviously an incredibly serious and somber topic, the interview took a turn for the PG-13 rating when Michael opened up about how he got the disease.
Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
Before you run to your bookshelf, grab the dictionary and look up cunnilungus, let me confirm what you’re already thinking — it does indeed mean oral sex. So yeah, Michael Douglas got throat cancer from oral sex. Talk about a humble brag. Or don’t because I know I’m being wildly insensitive, it’s just that, I don’t know guys, the word cunnilingus puts me right back in 7th grade. Also, does it make anyone else think about that Colonel Angus sketch from Saturday Night Live? Also, and this is my last also, do you think making light of this serious disease gets me that pass on the express train to Hell. Or does it ensure me a seat on the local. Because everyone knows that the only thing worse than going to hell is having to make 45 stops on the way there. Take a moment, think about it and let me know in the comments! And while you’re thinking, let’s get back to the topic at hand.
Our new main man Michael goes on to say that the best cure for cunnilingus-caused cancer is actually more cunnilingus. Which sounds too good to be true — for medical reasons and for my middle school sense of humor. So I did some quick googling and The Independent says, “however, Douglas’ suggestion that cunnilingus is also a cure for throat cancer was disputed by medical professionals.” Therefore I would take his cure with a grain of salt. You know, maybe see a doctor before you try any home treatment for this condition.
Now the good news from all of this is that he’s now two-years cancer free and there’s a 95% chance that he’ll stay that way. Yay to Michael Douglas being healthy and yay for getting to write cunnilingus sixteen times this morning before I finished my breakfast.
(Photo: DLM Press, PacificCoastNews.com)