On the season premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian gave the world the news we’ve all been dying to hear. Drum roll, please… Kim and Kanye West are having a baby girl, and personally, I could not be more glad. I mean, seriously, is there anyone on the planet who should have a baby girl more than Kim Kardashian? Come on, we all know this is a girl who wants her baby nursery to be pink.
Oh, and for everyone who was wondering about the size of Kanye West’s penis (Wait, that was no one?), rest assured that Kim K’s man is well endowed. How do I know this? Naturally, Kim decides to casually pass along to her doctor that if she were having a boy “you would see it” because “he would take after his father.” Aaaand, thanks for sharing that, Kim.
If only I could hop in my time machine and fly to L.A., then I could tell Kim that she and Humbug Humphries will come to a divorce settlement long before her Kimye bundle of joy is born. But Kim doesn’t need help from me or a time machine because once she learns that she’s having a girl, she totally embraces the pregnancy and goes shopping for cute baby girl things with Kourtney.
When we weren’t learning about the sex of Kim’s baby, we were learning about the sex lives of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick–and just a warning, these lessons were not for kids. Actually, I’m not so sure they’re for adults, either. But anyway, here they are.
Scott decides that the best way for he and Kourtney to spice up their sex lives is to try having backdoor sex. Kourtney hates this idea, and uses a food illustration to show Scott why it’s just not a good idea. But even after Kourtney’s compelling food demo, Scott won’t leave the idea alone. He keeps bugging her about it until she has no choice but to make him a little deal: She’s willing to give it a try, if he tries it first.
And what exactly does Kourtney mean by that? Obviously, she means she’s going to wear a strap-on dildo and chase Scott around the house until he puts the idea to bed for good. I mean, what else should we expect from the family that taught us that breast milk cures psoriasis and pineapple juice keeps your lady parts smelling sweet? Anyway, Scott finally gets the message that he and Kourtney won’t be having backdoor sex in this lifetime, and is left to wonder how he’ll ever recover from this and be interested in having sex with Kourtney again.
Speaking of members of the Kardashian Klan who I’d guess aren’t having a lot of sex… Kris and Bruce Jenner seem to really hate each other, but still want to stay married, so they decide the best thing to do is for Bruce to move out and get his own place. As Kris tells Khloe, what she really wants to have is an “extended friendship” with Bruce. I’m still scratching my head as to what that means.
The Kardashian/Jenner kids have mixed opinions about the new living arrangement. While Khloe Kardashian thinks this is the worst idea she’s ever heard, Bruce’s son Brendan Jenner is totally on board with it. He even stops by the Bruce Jenner man cave for a game of ping pong with his dad. It’s like he wants his father to get away from these crazy, fame-hungry women or something.
But Brendan’s Kardashian-free daddy time is short lived because Kris soon realizes that she totally hates watching television without Bruce making annoying comments in the background. She begs him to come home, which of course he does, because he does anything the Kardashian women say. And in case anyone was left with any doubt that theirs is a marriage for the ages, Kris shows her appreciation for Bruce by dressing up to have dinner with him at their home. What a lady.
While tonight may have been the big reveal for the Kimye baby, I’m sure we’ve got lots to look forward to for the rest of the season. Like what other sex moves will Scott want to try that Kourtney won’t? And will Kris continue to dress up for dinner once she remembers how much she hates Bruce? These burning questions must be answered! And I’ll keep tuning in until they are.
(Photo: E! Online)