Ahhh, the Chateau Marmont. The West Hollywood hotel that’s home to hundreds of thousands of millions of celebrities every single night. Sure during the day it’s your average humdrum hotel, but at night it opens its doors to everyone…who makes headlines. Seriously everyone who’s anyone gets photographed going in and out of the Chateau Marmont at some point in their lives. We’re talking people who would normally never hang out together! Jennifer Lawrence! Network TV Stars ! Billy Idol! American Idol Winners! Michael Lohan! Real Housewives! HAILEE STEINFELD! It’s like something out of Stefon’s dreams.
Throughout my long and illustrious career as an entertainment journalist, I’ve seen my fair share of photos of celebrities right outside the doors. Yet I’ve never gotten the chance to see what happens inside the doors. Up until right now, it’s been quite the mystery as to what actually goes on inside the Chateu Marmont. All I can possibly guess is that it’s something delightful and wonderful and dangerous. What else could possibly attract celebrities from every corner of the earth to the same place? And I’m using the word celebrity lightly. As I mentioned above, Michael Lohan does go here.
As part of my effort to get an online associate’s degree in interweb investigative journalism, I’ve compiled several photos of celebrities outside the Chateau Marmont (pronounced Chat-tea Maaar-monT). From these photos, we can work together to figure out what the hell is happening inside. Prepare for allegations galore! Also insight. Also allegations.
Let’s start with Adam Lambert. Based on his cheetah print shoes we can safely assume that there are no PETA events going on inside the club. So rule that out, take it off the list and forget you ever guessed that.
(David Tonnessen, PacificCoastNews)
Next we have Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Adrienne Maloof. Which obviously means there’s a lot of realness going on inside the C.M. Also drama. LOADS OF DRAMA. Odds are high that you can order it at the bar.
Another cool thing I’ve learned about C.Marmo is that you don’t even have to try to dress to impress…if you arrive looking like someone who just got rejected as Mary-Kate Olsen’s love interest in the movie When in Rome. Yep, that’s Jason Segel on a scooter.
You know what else you can order at the bar? A healthy dose of ’90s grunge. A quick study of Ashley Benson’s outfit shows that there are definitely theme nights there. This theme? Dress like you’re a rebellious teen from 1993 who doesn’t care what she looks like, but does care about sudden changes in weather — hence the shirt-around-the-waist precaution. It was a common trope in movies back in 1993, you just don’t remember.
Oh, who have we here? Ashley Madekwe from Revenge. Judging by the look on her face, it’s clear that she just watched season two of Revenge. Yeah, we know Ash, it’s RIDICULOUS HOW THINGS WENT DOWN. Also we can now add “watching shows commit second season suicide” to the list of probable activities.
Awww, isn’t this sweet! Billy Idol came for Chateau Marmont’s weekly “let’s pretend you’re not too old to party” night. Well night might be a strong word. Rumor has it that the L.P.Y.N.T.O.2.P night takes place between 5:30 PM to 6:15 PM. Long enough for them to get street cred with their friends, but not too long that they need to take a seat or complain about the loud music or ask someone how to check into this place on their rotary phones.
Well if it isn’t Eat, Pray, Love junior! What is Emma Roberts doing here you may ask? Oh, just killing time between Coachella 2013 and Coachella 2014.
Clearly Chat M has a couples night for class acts. Why else would Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas be there, dressed to the nines?
Speaking of sweet. Here’s Hailee Steinfeld and her father, Mr.Steinfeld attending the annual father-daughter dance.
And here’s Michael Lohan showing up for the same dance and then remembering that Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. It’s very likely that moments after this photo got taken, he gave TMZ (or Radar) a little cally-call and let them know the latest on Linds.
Good gracious, whatever is bothering poor January Jones? She looks stressed. Therefore stressful thing MUST be going on inside the Chatty Mar. Ugh.
And here’s John Mayer eating mints right after leaving the bar. Perhaps they had a garlic-eating contest? That’s a thing that goes down in Hollywood, right? Or am I thinking of a different city. It’s either Hollywood or Boise. I just can’t quite recall.
Welp, this photo of Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger confirms the rumors that Mighty Ducks Alum who Wear V-Necks do hold their annual reunions there. Emilio Estevez can’t be far behind.
Hey there Mena Suvari! Can we ascertain from your appearance at the Chat that people who starred in Oscar-winning-films-that-I-watched-too-young-and-therefore-hated get free cover there? #AmericanBeauty
Hidey ho! It’s Zachary Quinto! And you know that means? Highly attractive men are indeed allowed to come in at night.
I hope someone brought their fire extinguisher, because Catching Fire star, Jena Malone, just walked in. Seriously, I think we can go ahead and assume that they do have fire extinguishers there.
Finally we can say with confidence that no matter what happens at The Chateau Marmont, you’ll be bored. You’ll be so bored that you’ll leave the bar, go to your car and check your iPad for the latest news. Or any news. Anything to make you forget about your no-good horrible night surrounded by celebrities. Jessica Alba knows what I’m talking about!