After using a MLK Jr. parade to remind everyone that they’re insanely ignorant when it comes to just about everything, the rag tag kids of Breaking AmishÂ finally arrive in Sarasota, Florida. While they came expecting to re-enact select scenes fromÂ Spring Breakers, they instead ended up finding out that entire Amish community down there in Pinecraft hates them too. Something about a reality show they did that showed them doing everything that the Amish don’t believe in or I don’t know, it didn’t ring any bells for me. There’s no reason that comes to mind to explain why the Amish would dislike them. And even if they don’t like them, there’s no reason to disrespect them in this way, hellooo, they’re reality stars.
It doesn’t take long for them to figure out that there’s no place in town that they can stay. They’re all like, “Jeremiah, I thought you figured this all out before we got into an RV with you and roadtripped our way through a second season of our hit reality show!” And Jeremiah’s all like “Uhhhhh,” and I’m like, “maybe ‘where are we staying?’ is a question you run by someone before you go on a vaca-ality show. Maybe.”
After taking several minutes to remind us that they’re now shunned here and in Lancaster, they decide to go visit the ex-Amish community down on the next beach. You might think that’s why they would’ve stopped first, but noooo, they first stopped in the Amish community because they wanted to get rejected so they had something to talk about with each other. If the whole world isn’t against them, they actually don’t have anything in common — so it’s very important to keep that thread running.
As soon as they get to the ex-Amish beach, two guys are like, “hey, we’re from Ohio and we hate Jeremiah and everyone in Ohio does too!” And Sabrina and Rebecca are all “tee-hee-hee, we have gossip!” Jeremiah’s response to finding out that everyone throughout this great country of ours hates him? “Whatever, I’m just being myself.” Which is the same go-to line that I think 90% of douchebags use when confronted with their douchebaggery, “yeah I spilled my drink on that girl’s head. I’m just being myself, if she has a problem with that, well, that’s her problem.” It makes me think someone neesd to take Jeremiah aside and tell him that Â ”I’m just being myself” is a line that 10-year-olds get to use when they wear two different colored socks to school — not men in their mid 30s who’s “I’m just being myself” act tends to make people call them an asshole.
Shockingly Jeremiah’s self-esteem parade isn’t the worst thing to happen in this episode. No that title belongs to Abe’s mother who’s still pretending that she’s not an aspiring actor. She and poor Katie Ann are on their own personal road trip down to Florida to “rescue” Abe from English folk. Even though Abe doesn’t seem to want or need rescue. It’s one of the most desperate things I’ve ever seen happen on a reality TV show.
Okay, fine, I lied, the worst thing that happened was theÂ Real-World-style love triangle that got set up between Jeremiah, Sabrina and Jeremiah’s not-ex girlfriend. I missed her name, so let’s just call her Shedevil. While I’m not sure what casting audition the Breaking AmishÂ producers snatched her from, she’s the ultimate reality show drama queen. Think an overgrownÂ Toddlers & TiarasÂ contestant who watched way too much ofÂ The 5th WheelÂ back in her sleepover days. She’s insane. And she’s clearly tapping deep into her insanity well every time the cameras start rolling. I’m equal parts horrifed and excited by the thought of having her on the show.
And that wraps another totally great and educational week onÂ Breaking Amish. See ya’ll next Monday morning when we finally get around to discussing that beef jar that Mama Abe ate out of in muchÂ moreÂ depth.