The sweeping period drama Fast & Furious 6 comes out in theaters this weekend. As someone who morally opposes 6 sequels, I will not be seeing this movie in theaters, or ideally, ever. But seeing Paul Walker in all the trailers does get me thinking about the time I had a massive crush on him. It was 2000 and we had all just survived Y2K. Maybe it was the excitement in the air because all the computers didn’t explode or maybe it was the fact that I was in 7th grade and attending 2.6 Bat Mitzvahs every weekend or maybe it was just the fact that I was 13 and my hormones were ragin’, but I fell in love with Paul Walker. And I fell in love hard.
Even though I saw She’s All That and Pleasantville in theaters, I didn’t truly feel develop feelings for Paul until I saw him in the trailer for The Skulls. Who was this magnificent creature? And how did he always look like he just got off his shift as the Abercrombie & Fitch door greeter at the mall? I couldn’t believe that someone this good looking existed in the same world as me.
In retrospect, he’s not at all my type. But we don’t have types in 7th grade. We just recently found out that we had lady parts — so wondering what exactly we wanted inside of those lady parts seemed just as crazy a concept as my mom being allowed to speak to me in public. (“STAY IN THE CAR MOM, NO MATTER WHAT” was my favorite saying in middle school.) No, if I recall we all had the same type in middle school. Blonde, chest-hair-free and Ken-like in a way. Hence why we all loved Paul Walker so much, he’s the perfect starter celebrity crush for the middle school set. You know, before we got to admit that we actually preferred guys with facial hair or brown hair or curly hair or named Seth Cohen.
I remember proudly proclaiming at lunch that he would be a huge star. With that face and those acting skills, there’s no way he wouldn’t make. “Why,” I exclaimed one day during pre-algebra, “if he’s not the Robert Redford of our generation, I’ll be damned.” I think that was the same day when I exchanged BFF necklaces with a girl who I recently blocked on Facebook. So yeah, turns out I didn’t always know what I was doing or saying back in those days. Turns out that Paul Walker isn’t exactly what people would call a good actor, he never did make it big. Instead he just made 6 Fast & Furious movies. Oh, and I guess he also probably made friends with Vin Diesel. You don’t make that many movies together and not exchange a few secrets.
Sure, I know, he’s made a few other movies along the way. But nothing really all that good. Nothing that that even plays on TBS on the weekends actually. However you shouldn’t feel too sorry for him. All the Fast & Furious movies have made hundreds of millions of dollars worldwide, so I’m sure he’s being compensated pretty, pretty well for his fastness and his furiousness. Oh and he’s still insanely good-looking. Seriously, if this acting thing doesn’t pan out, he could still be an Abercrombie & Fitch greeter. I know he still has enough smolder to get the middle school girls of today just as hot and bothered as we used to get.