Pity Party for Justin Bieber: Sometimes You Have To Make Your Friends Sign Their Life Away To Party With You

Justin Bieber performing live on stage at O2 World Arena in Friedrichshain
If you want to party with Justin Bieber, you have to put your money where your mouth is. Meaning, of course, that you have to sign a release agreement that says you won’t disclose anything that goes on in his house and that you assume the risk of doing whatever “activities” are going on in the house. If you violate the agreement, you have to pay a cool $5,000,000.

Okay. Some of you are saying this is “uncool.” Some of you are saying, “Justin, why all the legalese?” Some of you are saying that such document is antithetical to Justin’s being an “artist” who is trying to work on his “craft.” And to that I say, congratulations on using “antithetical” in a sentence.

But for reelz. Being Bieber is hard. He’s got to protect himself AND his image. But what this document is about is really protecting YOU. Let’s take this document piece by piece, shall we?

“You understand that participation in the Activities is potentially hazardous and you should not participate unless you are medically able and properly trained.”

This is the Biebs making sure of a few things. First, he wants to make sure you don’t get hurt. If you’re going to play a little one-on-one on his basketball court and you’ve never dunked before, don’t try to dunk and then break your mouth on the ground and then sue Justin.

This makes sense right? Don’t push yourself and know your limits, is what Justin’s saying. Thanks for having my back, J-man.

But this goes beyond sports. It might also include some d-words (drugs). And Justin wants to make sure you’re properly trained before you toke up. This makes sense. I mean, how uncool is it to be the first-timer in the room hacking a lung? “How do I light it?” “How much do I breathe in?” “What do you call this again?” Buzz kill! Justin doesn’t have time for that and thinks that you should ask more of yourself.

Justin is basically saying, don’t be a Sabrina from Dazed and Confused. She’s everyone’s least favorite character. Be one of the other characters from Dazed and Confused.

“Under no circumstances shall you divulge the details of [your visit]… including without limitation, through photographs, video, blogging, texting, “Tweeting,” or by posting any such information on any social media website.”

Here Justin is saying, “what we had was special. Don’t ruin it by telling all your friends.” I respect that. He wants to keep it low key and between you guys and not ruin it by putting it out there for the public to comment on. Well, go buy a vase, Justin, because you just earned my rose.

He’s also saying, “my lawyers don’t believe in this “Tweeting” thing, so they put it in the contract with quotes around it.” Wow. Thanks for making me confront my own demons, Bieber lawyers. What IS tweeting? Why do we feel compelled to do it? Are we sure this is the best word for it?

Once again, Bieber has my back and is forcing me to take a hard look at myself in the mirror.

“SSN”

As a final treat at the end of the contract, Justin asks people to write down their social security number.

Now, signing a contract with your name is enough to guarantee its legality. Which I’m sure Justin knows. So by asking for everyone’s social security number, I can ONLY assume he may want to give his visitors a surprise monetary gift and needs their social to do it. Why else would he need their social security number? There is no other reason!

So thanks, Justin, for being such a stickler. We’re ALL better because of it.

(Photo: WENN.com)

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    • Lia Beck

      The way Activities is capitalized is really creeping me out for some reason. Sounds cult-ish.

    • Olivia Wilson

      “You agree that you are prepared for the copious amounts of hair gel and harem pants that may/will definitely be present at all gatherings,” is a clause that they forgot to include.

    • Rachel

      Activities? Jeez the way it’s worded sounds like they’re cooking meth or something. Oh n it’s a little late for these NDA’s. Shouldve thought about that before you let your friends throw parties and somehow the pics “found” their way on the internet lol Also tht SSN thing sounds sketch :

    • cookie

      am i the only one who thought christian grey and had horror flash backs and hopes the kid is not a manipulative abusive piece of shit ? he’s annoying but i kinda like him

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