This is apparently gonna be one of those days where I swim in a lake of regret at not being one of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie‘s adopted kids. I had so many opportunities to make a good impression and get good grades at school in hopes of capturing their attentions and affections, and what did I do? I failed at every turn, so now I’m stuck with my regular old non-famous parents who will probably go their whole lives never subjecting me to the kinds of first world problems that these kids get to experience every day! For example, did you know that Zahara Jolie-Pitt wishes her parents didn’t make out so much? We should all be so lucky! I wish my parents made eye contact more…twenty-three years ago…the last time they were involved in an amicable relationship. That would probably be a good place to start. But things are a little different in the Jolie-Pitt household, according to Brad in an upcoming interview with Esquire:
“Once I walked in and Angie was standing there and Zahara walked up and said, ‘Daddy, you’re not going to start making out with Mommy again, are you?’ And it’s like that.”
YEAH IT’S LIKE THAT. I want to grow up in a house where I’m one of six kids and our parents like, love, and cohabitate with each other?!? What sweet paradise is this? According to Brad’s close friend Frank Pollaro:
“This is a guy who has tried not to do any sexy scenes with other women since he’s met Angelina. He’s crazy about her, and she’s the same way about him. No matter how hard he’s working, if one of those kids runs by the window he’ll get out of his chair and give them a kiss. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen Angie without one of those children in her arms.”
Sigh. My life is so unfair! My name is neither French nor trendy, and I don’t have a single Namibian Passport. I wanna talk to the president.