As you may or may not know, a little something called The Bachelor Special: Funniest Moments is airing tonight on ABC. In theory it’s all the funniest things that have ever happened on The Bachelor, just in time to whip up hype for the new season of The Bachelorette with Desiree Hartsock, but I find myself a little dubious. After all, this is a network that still puts The Bachelor on the air and pretends that it leads to long-term, loving, committed marriages 100% of the time. Now there’s a funny moment.
So since I’m not totally convinced that ABC is self-aware enough to know what’s actually funny about its show, I’ve put together a little collection of my own, of what I think are the show’s funniest moments. Uninentional, of course — just what The Bachelor does best. Oh and they’re only from this past season with Sean Lowe, season 17, because that’s the first one I’ve watched in a long time because it was never my job before. Hey you know, self-awareness comes with a price, and sometimes that price is not being up-to-date on seventeen seasons of The Bachelor. SORRY NOT SORRY. 1. OH HEY 50 Shades Of Grey-obsessed contestant. Are you ready to awkwardly introduce yourself to Sean by pulling a tie out of your cleavage and asking him to show you how to use it later? Because I am ready for that, and a thousand more of those bemused looks that Sean is rocking. Also bonus points if you commence drinking immediately and proceed to get rip-roaring drunk at the cocktail party. 2. SEAN IS NOT GOOD AT KISSING. This is something I’ve learned through careful surveillance of two season. So why why WHY would we ever give him the challenge to break the world record for ‘Longest Televised Kiss’? He and Lesley just stood in place mashing their faces together for forever. Absolutely zero romance. It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. 3. If you ever need a place to take your lady companions on a ten-person date, look no further than the roller derby rink! It’s a really good idea to pit romantic rivals with wheels on their feet against each other. What could go wrong?
4. HI HELLO Ashley Yenter, perhaps you’d like to GET OUT OF THE LIMO already wearing a wedding dress? That’s not weird at all, I’m sure you won’t last until the final two. Oh wait, you did? That’s hilarious.