• Mon, May 20 2013

What Would Ryan Lochte Do…If He Wasn’t Going Hollywood?

What Would Ryan Lochte Do Los Angeles Carmen ElectraOne thing that distinguishes What Would Ryan Lochte Do? from other celeb-oriented shows is that Ryan Lochte doesn’t live in Los Angeles. He’s rooted in good ‘ol Gainsville, Florida, which has made Ryan a real down-to-earth kind of fellow. (Errr, kinda.) His whole family is there, his best friend/assistant Gene Gamble is there, his whole life is there. But in Ryan’s own words, “Gainsville is…small.” And this episode, he heads off to *jazz hands* HOLLYWOOD. Just because the location’s different, it doesn’t mean that the words that come out of his mouth are. You know what that means? More questionable lines, courtesy of the head of Lochte Nation, which we’ve compiled for you here.

“The Lochte goal is to live life to the fullest. And we do that pretty darn good.” Is it starting to creep anyone else out that Lochte Nation sounds kind of like a cult? Say what you want about Ryan Lochte’s IQ, but he has captured the attention of America—and that’s, like, half of being a charismatic leader! But let’s get real. I feel like my conspiracy theories are kind of cockblocked by his ever-present grammatical errors. Ryan is showing some foresight about his future, though. He knows he can’t keep up with his swimming (and his ridiculous caloric intake) forever, so he wants to become a brand. Which may be an equally scary prospect.

“That meeting was a confident meeting.” In Los Angeles, Ryan has an important meeting with Speedo, one of his sponsors. He goes in feeling strong. So this line could have been an okay statement if it weren’t for the fact that Ryan actually means “confidential,” not “confident.” I was willing to buy the idea that Ryan felt good about the meeting—despite the odd verbiage—but then he goes on to talk about keeping business things behind closed doors. It is such an egregious slip-up that even E! points it out.

“Lawyer…whoa. Take it easy with those words.” Gene tells Ryan that he looks like a lawyer in the suit he’s wearing for a photo shoot, and Ryan is overwhelmed. Let me repeat. The thought of the word “lawyer” is enough to make Ryan Lochte freak the eff out. See? Being Ryan Lochte isn’t easy. Especially if you’re Ryan Lochte.

“I got nervous. I don’t want a little tiny hot dog.” PENIS. You guys, PENIS. There, I said it. You were thinking it. During his visit, Ryan is probably the most excited about getting a hot dog named after him at Hollywood institution Pink’s Hot Dogs. To add to the Gene/Ryan bromance, the two besties joke about their junk hot dogs in a marginally homoerotic way. Every little Ryan Lochte schlong joke you want to make…go!

“Does it have an edge? Does it have an edge to it? I’m used to having an edge.” Some of the best Ryan Lochte lines come from when Ryan Lochte is talking about himself. These few lines detail his thought process while picking out an outfit, and it sounds sooo Hollywood. Hot damn, he really does belong there! I mean, in just one trip he wins an award at Cartoon Network’s Hall of Game Awards and meets his celebrity crush, courtesy of Gene. You might think his crush would be someone more contemporary, but it’s Carmen Electra. (Baywatch, man. Baywatch.) And when faced with her, Ryan pretty much just stares and stutters and gets flustered. I’ll admit, it’s kind of adorable. He zones out, and it’s not just because he’s getting confused! What a change. It must be that edge.

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