Let’s pretend you’re Taylor Swift and you just won 8 2013 Billboard Music Awards. Now let’s say you pass your best friend Selena Gomez kissing her on-again-off-again-boyfriend Justin Bieber backstage at the show.
A) Smile at the happy couple fondly — but grimace on the inside because you know that this makeout sesh will lead to a 9-hour phone call on Monday night where Selena’s begging you to explain why his pants pack such a pouch.
B) Not notice them because you just won 8 Billboard Music Awards and you’re reveling in your incredible success. I mean you’re 22-years-old (plus one) and you won EIGHT whole awards in one night. Not too shabby.
C) Stick your tongue out because um, Selena promised you, nay pinky-swore you, that she wouldn’t touch that creature again. Yet, here she is, just ramming her tongue down his throat as if he hadn’t broke their hearts. I mean Selena’s heart. Not Taylor’s heart. Why would I mean Taylor’s heart? It’s not like they dated or anything. It’s just that, well, it’s hard for Taylor Swift to have friends who are in happy relationships. Which makes sense, because then what do you complain about at your sleepovers? How the guy you’re dating won’t stop returning your calls? Bo-ring. Tell you what, Taylor Swift isn’t going to send Selens that girl power mix-tape she made for her the other night. Or the tape cassette player she found antique shopping so Selena could actually listen to her mix-tape. Oh also, that cookie baking party is o-f-f. That’s right. And I hope Selena doesn’t mind that she has one less Pinterest follower right now. Sorry, Taylor’s not sorry, that she can’t repin LIARS.
Did you pick C? I hope so. Not only because it was the obvious choice, but because the GIF above was a total spoiler. And in case that whole little incident isn’t scandalous enough for you, Taylor continued to act like a 12-year-old in the press room later on in the evening. To the point where I’m starting to wonder if she got Big-ed. (That’s that thing where you make a wish on a carnival attraction to be big and you wake up in Tom Hank’s body.)
When asked what she thought about Justin Bieber (remember public enemy numero uno) winning the Milestone award, she paused and then simply said, “can we have another question?” Sure it was a dick question for someone to ask, because duh, how do you think she felt about that. But Taylor only took the bait by acting as if someone asked her to recount the time she got her period in public while wearing white pants. All she had to do was make was some kind of lighthearted joke and/or remind everyone that she won EIGHT other awards and you can’t take them all home. No need to pretend like the man asked her to confirm her nazi roots.
But alas, she’s Taylor Swift and she’ll only answer questions about boys via her lyrics.