I think it’s fair to say that there’s no character on TV right now more complex than Abe’s mother on Breaking Amish. Not only does her reason for being on the show make absolutely no sense, but her acting skills leave much to be desired. Hence why she’ll soon be America’s new favorite reality star! Okay, maybe not soon. And maybe not favorite, but she’s going to be a reality star on this season of Breaking Amish, come hell or high water or SHUNNING. Yeah, I threw in the S-word. But before we dive into the drama, let’s catch up with the gang.
They’re currently in an RV traveling from Pennsylvania to Florida. Despite the fact they all hate Kate, they still pick her up at the train station and let her come for the ride. But not before letting us know she’s like famous now and thinks she’s too good for them. Sabrina even does this whole little monologue along the lines of “Kate’s going to come on here looking like a model, while I’m like totally relaxed and not even wearing any make-up, it’s like stop having a job and being pretty and just I don’t know chill out.” Similar to how Abby Lee Miller pretends that her dancers are famous for their skillz and not their hugely popular reality show, the cast of Breaking Amish also pretends like Kate’s famous for being a model and not for starring on a reality show. What can we conclude from all this? Reality stars on cable networks are just as deluded as Justin Bieber when it comes to their talent level. It’s cute.
While they’re roadtrippin’ their way south, they stop at a variety of historic (and trashy) landmarks and embarrass themselves. While I won’t go into detail on what happened in Washington D.C, I will say that Jeremiah actually said, “I live in a White House too.” Just as a way to let us know that he wasn’t impressed with The President or where he lives or what he does.
And now that we’re all caught up with those horrible people, let’s go back to Abe’s mother who’s still in Pennsylvania…for now. She sadly (or tries to say it sadly) tells the camera that she got in BIG trouble for participating on the first season of Breaking Amish — and that while she got forgiven, she also got told not to speak to Abe or she’ll get shunned. So naturally she not only speaks to Abe, but goes back on the reality show that started the whole mess. Because that makes so much sense.
Then it gets even more redonkulous as she tells us what she plans to do this season. After waxing poetic at how much it would totally womp to be shunned by her entire community, she’s like I’m taking my daughter Katie Ann and going to Florida to find Abe. “I will not lose him!” she tells us as if he’s been kidnapped and not a willing (and paid) participant on a reality show. Katie Ann is all like, sure mom, let’s go “save” Abe, also can I bring my string bikini, I mean bible. To which I add, there’s no saving Abe. Not only do we know EXACTLY where he is at any given moment due to the cameras following him around, but he’s already broken Amish. Did his mother learn NOTHING from the dramatic opening scenes last week.
Here’s the problem with this entire plan, it’s illogical. How would going back on a reality show that got you almost shunned to save your son who is most definitely shunned help with not getting shunned yourself!? Riddle me that Abe’s mom. And while you’re doing that, also riddle me your name. Now that you’re determined to become a fulltime cast member this season, I should probably call you by your proper name.