Um, has anyone noticed that Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been around lately? I know she’s in a mandatory ninety-day rehab program and all that, but this is LiLo we’re talking about. No walls can contain her, no judge can sentence her, no SCRAM bracelet can hold her down. She’s our very own Hot Mess Superhero, impervious to all recovery tactics. So where has she been? You don’t really mean to tell me that she’s actually…serving her sentence at Betty Ford? After all the dilly-dallying about which facility she’d go to? It’s impossible.
At least that’s how I’d been feeling this morning, when I realized it had been a full fourteen days with only a few peeps out of Miss Lohan. I was sure something was up, and I was just getting in my private jet to go investigate, when along came Michael Lohan to give a helpful statement to the media. Oh thank god you’re here. Finally, someone ready to take Lindsay’s recovery as seriously as I am. Let’s hear it, sir. Let your wisdom wash over me like so much warm Naty Light:
“It is ridiculous for Lindsay to spend 90 days at Betty Ford. They are a 30-day program place. There is no reason for her to repeat the same program for three months.”
Yeah you guys! That’s a point I was gonna make, too! They are a thirty-day program place thing location type deal! Don’t be ridiculous, let’s bust her out of there! If the law won’t let us, let’s get one of those big log thingies from Beauty And The Beast and pummel her out. Instead of Betty Ford, Michael wants Lindsay to go to Lukens, which is a Florida-based treatment center that would allow her to be closer to him. Which is undoubtedly what she wants.
“I am going to go to California and I want to meet with Lindsay’s attorney Shawn and the City Attorney to talk about her transferring to the Lukens Institute. She needs real help and the only place she can get this is at Lukens.”
Phew. I’m just glad the selfless, compassionate Michael Lohan is on the case…but only because I put money on Lindsay lasting less than eighteen days in rehab.