Is It Just Me, Or Is Two Miles A Long Way To Swim Just To Stalk Taylor Swift?

Taylor Swift attending ACM Awards April 2013As much as it pains me, I have to give stalker-props to the man who swam two miles to Taylor Swift‘s Rhode Island mansion, because it takes a lot of effort to be that creepy. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not in any way condoning the kind of behavior that makes someone think it’s acceptable to invade a celebrity’s privacy like that, I’m mostly just marveling on the feat of strength necessary to pull it off. I don’t know if you know this, but today I learned that even in the Iron Man Triathlon, the swimming portion is only .4 miles longer than this guy did just to get a glimpse of Tay-Tay. That’s…impressively creepy.

But maybe he didn’t want to just get a glimpse of Taylor. Which brings me to my next (and main) question, JUST EXACTLY WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN? Did you think you’d swim up on shore and she’d be like, “Oh golly, it’s a bedraggled merman with legs! Come on inside, silly old bean, and let’s get you into a pair of striped pajamas and cocoa! You’re lucky I have an extra pair of sleep-spectacles at the ready, so climb into bed with me why don’t you and we’ll toss treats to my cat until we fall asleep! And that’s only a euphemism if you want it to be.” As realistic as I’m sure that conversation is, no. No no no no no. What actually happened is that this incident is being considered an ‘active investigation’, although no arrests have been made at this time.

Which is pretty obvious, because when have you ever been on land and seen someone approaching you via water and been like, “Yeah! This feels like a good situation to me! I can’t wait until they get close enough to tell me what they want and maybe even try to wear me as a celebrity skin!”? I’ll answer that for you — never. Never has that happened, so stop swimming up to celebrity houses, guy, even if you do have super swimmy strength. Use your powers for good and not evil, like maybe Meals On Wheels for mermaids or something.

(Image: FayesVision /

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    • Jill O’Rourke

      Did anyone see him use a fork as a comb? Maybe we can solve this.

      • Jenni

        Can’t you see Taylor Swift dating a merman though? I can picture her sitting on the dock with her guitar while he frolicks below her in the water playing the shell drums.

      • Abi

        Give it a few weeks and she’d be writing songs about cold-blooded jerks with fish breath and trying to unload overpriced real estate in Atlantis.

      • Jenni

        And then a few weeks later she’d be into centaurs. Classic T.Swift.

    • …her?

      I would not swim 2 miles for anything less than Hugh Jackman.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Right? You gotta draw the line somewhere.

    • Danielle Mercy

      Prolly someone from this website with a waterproof disposable camera, desperately trying to get some scoop…. LOL
      OKay if ya’ll can post “humorous” stuff poking fun, so can we ;o)