• Tue, May 14 2013

Teen Mom 2 Finale Special: Without Jenelle Evans, I’m Actually Bored

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Yawnfest. Yah, I realize that’s not the most enticing incentive to get you to read the rest of my article, but seriously. Can we agree that Chelsea Houska and more importantly Leah Messer-Calvert are fading into adulthood and Teen Mom 2 oblivion by being the most boring update guests on Teen Mom 2 Finale Special Checkup With Dr. Drew? Thankfully, in the real world, Teen Mom 2 boredom is directly correlated to how good of a parent you are perceived to be. Therefore, Chelsea and Leah are frontrunners for MTV’s parents of the year, in my opinion (it’s a small and exclusive club). But does it make for an exciting update special show? Nope. Even when Dr. Drew tries to drum up some drama, there just isn’t any to be had. Fortunately for the kids and the sake of moving on with a normal-like life, Chelsea and Leah are maturing into their 20′s and have pretty much achieved (or are on the road to achieving) what they’ve set out to do. For Chelsea, it’s being a good Mommy to Aubree Skye and to graduate from beauty school. For Leah, it’s to be a good babymaker, wife and Mommy whilst upholding the Messer-Calvert household. So, as we continue on the road to acceptance that Teen Mom 2 is sadly, yet appropriately, ending – we can always hope for Twitter updates and lessons learned for Jenelle Evans, Leah Messer-Calvert, Kailyn Lowry and Chelsea Houska.

Dr. Drew begins by reminding us all that the point of Teen Mom 2 is to prevent teen pregnancies, not glorify Teen Moms and envy that they are getting paid to appear on MTV. But, if you’ve ever seen an episode or watched the update show or even looked up the Teen Moms online, you’ll know that with great “fame” and show salaries come the opportunities for haters and perma-judgey pants wearers to crap on your every move. Nevertheless, Dr. Drew throws in anti-teen pregnancy PSAs throughout the episode…which is as awkward as Chelsea admitting to hooking up with Adam Lind…still. Yup, that’s happening. Let’s start there. Chelsea updates us on her life. You know, the usual - still in beauty school, still loving Aubree to the max and still hooking up with Adam. You heard me. After last season’s Finale Special, where they swore that they were never getting back together or hooking up, and after a whole other season of Teen Mom 2, they’ve arrived back at the start of the cyclical drama that is Chelsea and Adam. Seriously, guys?? I mean, not to play the blame game cause we all know it takes two to tango, but I gotta put more onus on ol’ Chels. The reason is, if you think that any guy is going to pass up the opportunity to sleep with you, especially someone who knows that it’s easy enough and and still has feelings for or a connection with…girl, you crazy. What’s worse is that Chelsea admits to aiding and abetting homewreckery since Adam sorta is or isn’t dating Taylor Halbur while hooking up with Chelsea (whom Chelsea also admits not liking…at all). Sigh.

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The rest is sorta status quo for the Chelsea, Adam and Poppa Randy triangle of ridiculousness. Adam and Chelsea admit that they can’t quit each other, while Daddy Randy is desperately trying to steer Chelsea into focusing on anything…anything…but Adam and his Adam ways. There’s admittance of low self-esteem problems and fake court orders and even hope of getting Chelsea some help. Though, Dr. Drew kind of stops there without offering us viewers what that help can be. Here, let me give you a hint. It’s called not having a Twitter account. Boy oh boy, kids these days. It’s gotta be tough to live in a world where you’re in high school and Twitter exists. Much worse if you’re quasi-”famous” and people have instant access to destroy your every action. But, giving up Twitter would be like giving up Adam. I guess it’s not in the real near future for poor Chelsea. Of course they have to attempt to co-parent and not bash each other’s significant others via social media (just ask Kailyn Lowry)…but seriously, Chelsea. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. Please log onto a dating website and not Twitter or Adam’s Facebook page. Also – if you need more proof to stay away…there’s always this. I can’t even.

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Leah Messer-Calvert takes the stage to give us an update on her marriage and pregnancy. Yup, she’s pregnant with baby #3, a cute little mashup of Jeremy Calvert and Leah. And although Dr. Drew tries to scare her into understanding the responsibility of 3 kids while Jeremy is out of town 6 days a week, Leah’s all child, please. And good for her. Cause here’s the thing about Leah. She has always known and has never apologized for being who she is…a stay-at-home Mom who wants to have lots of babies with her hard-working man. Seriously, that’s what she wants and has worked for even throughout all the Corey Simms drama. Even though Dr. Drew makes a funny with his 3 on 1 zone defense comment, Leah is like – yah well, I was born for this, son. This. Is. Leah. So, all in all, everything is going super swell for Leah. Even Corey is happily moved on, got a new girlfriend fiance, got a new house and got a new perspective on his co-parenting with Leah. This is actually a success story and I’m stoked that all of their family lives in a 10 mile radius. I think that the constant reality check and the constant family love keeps them away from what it could have been. It’s what Chelsea could have if she could just let go of what’s his nuts Adam. I’m not going to be shocked if Miranda Patterson announces preggo any day now. Seems to be the thing to do. But good for all them. They are coexisting and moving on with their respective lives. I guess all Leah really has to work on is staying off Twitter. She seems to be affected by the negativity as well, while the boys just sit back and try to convince them to stay off the damn thing. Yah. Sure.

Ok, look. I understand the irony of it all. Me, talking about how people bash these girls on Twitter, etc, and here I am writing about them and being all snarky and judgey about their lives. But I can say that it’s all in jest and having seen some things that people tweet sometimes, it’s rather disturbing. However, in the end, can they really complain about the few drawbacks that come with getting overly paid to be filmed for the past few years? Nope. Can you go all Alexis Bellino and cry bullying when really you’re voluntarily signing up for a show that reveals everything about your life? Nope. Can I continue to write about you because you put yourself in news, do interviews and cash the checks that MTV gives you…and can you not log into Twitter? Yup. Resist the temptation to hear people say bad things about you and start laughing all the way to the bank. If you think you’re being bullied and you use the same definition as Alexis Bellino, then you are only hurting yourself by perpetuating the ridiculousness, a la Jenelle Evans. Man, that girl is reading and responding to every tweet and comment you make. Is Adam Lind probably a semi-decent human being whose segments get heavily-edited in order to cause more good storyline? Probably. But he also doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think, so in the end, he’s winning – at least the Teen Mom 2 vs real life contest. But, as we end with cute little shots of the Teen Mom 2 kids and their parents and Aubree kisses Jace again and Dr. Drew reminds us one more time that abstinence is the best policy (unless you’ve capitalized on it by being on the show) – we say sayonara to our Teen Mommers and hope for the best. At least I do. Cause in the end, they do deserve to live better and happy lives. Even if they are making more money than I am.

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