After all the last-minute negotiations with the cast of The Real Housewives Of New York where it was looking like the show might get canceled if the ladies didn’t get their act together and sign their contracts, it’s been confirmed that the show will return after all! This time with free hairdos! Huzzah! Hooray! Hoopla! EXCEPT. Word came down on high from Andy Cohen, the Great Lord Bravo in the sky, that there better be ten million percent more drama on this season, or don’t bother even showing up. Excitingly, the Housewives have all gotten different instructions, tailor made to their level of crazy last season. Ramona Singer, Aviva Drescher, and Sonja Morgan were basically given the ‘A For Effort’ award, because they had preeettty good fights last season, they just need to hone their craft a little bit:
“Ramona, Aviva and Sonja were told that they can’t just bicker over name calling this season. The Bravo execs and the production company told the women that they’re going to have to really bring some crazy antics to the show. They would love there to be table tossing like on the New Jersey Housewives, but if not then they definitely need to change what they’re doing now.”
Okay but listen. One must not simply toss a table to increase viewership. One must only ply Ramona with a slight but constant drizzle of Pinto Grigio for several hours, and lo! Behold the bounty ye shall reap!
“All of the ladies know the ratings for their show were low and that they have to bring out their wild sides this time.”
Somehow, I don’t think that will be any kind of problem, although the remaining three Housewives — Carole Radziwill, LuAnn de Lesseps, and Heather Thomson have been specifically instructed to up the ante:
“They need to stop pretending they’re above the fighting because it is the fighting that viewers want to see. Also, they have to stop acting like they’re not on a reality show. Everyone expects them to do ridiculous things and something has to be done differently to draw viewers and fans in.”
Alright ladies, you heard them. As terrifying as it is, please be even crazier next season. Can you do that for me? I’m assuming that Ramona, Sonja, Carole, and Heather think they can, as they’ve already signed their contracts for season six, while LuAnn and Aviva are still holding off. I’ll see your salary increase and raise you one on-camera affair in St. Barth’s. Deal? Deal.