Ryan Lochte starts off this episode of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? while wearing a horrendous plaid vest. It’s a pretty fitting indication of what your next twenty minutes will be like. As in, a little bit “off,” a little bit confusing, a little bit too…stupid but not in the way you want it to be? This episode is called “What Would Ryan Lochte Do…If He Got Plastered?” But the thing is, you never actually find out what Ryan would do if he did get plastered (in the way that you’re thinking). It’s a trick question! The plaster refers to actual plaster, not getting schwasty. So there’s that disappointment.
Basically, WWRLD? is trying to get smart with its wordplay, and Ryan emits nary a “jeah” in this episode. Enter my own personal crisis. Is this even the same show? What is going on? Is Ryan okay? Is he maturing? Ah! Problems! Well, let’s review his best one-liners, and try to figure it all out:
“You know, I always see babies in the clothes that they wear, and it’s horrendous.” In a business meeting (AKA video gaming session), Ryan discusses, um, business things with his BFF/assistant Gene Gamble. Next up? A Ryan Lochte baby line. That’s all fine and dandy, but I really don’t understand his reasoning. Babies are adorable ALL the time. If anything, being a baby is the one time that you can get away with wearing horrendous clothing and just DGAF-ing it because you’ll look cute anyway. But whatever.
“I think I butt-tweeted last night.” There aren’t a lot of places to go out in Gainsville, Florida, but when Ryan’s out with his boys *shudder*, they go hard. Cut to an image of Ryan sleeping on some stairs in his house. His friends have a partying postmortem, in which we learn Ryan is a chronic butt-tweeter. (Aren’t we all?) This is important because now you know that if you see a string of letters from Ryan on Twitter—with maybe the word “dope” being the only readable aspect—then he was probably just butt-tweeting. True story. It’s not that he can’t form coherent sentences.
“Is this going to rip my nipples off?” The manager at Ryan’s favorite club in Gainsville wants a memento to let everyone know that his club is Ryan’s home base, yo. Gene has an idea about how to memorialize Ryan, and takes him to Plaster House to get an entire cast of his torso. It’s a really good excuse to have a montage of the infamous Lochte abs, so you go E! Unfortunately, Ryan has a bit of a freakout about this process, re: his nipples. And now I’m forced to imagine Ryan Lochte without any nipples. It’s weird. Do it.
“We have a romantic connection.” I mean, I guess this line isn’t patently bad, it’s just a little bit of a strange thing to say, like something out of a contrived rom com. People don’t actually talk like this, right? He’s referring to Shanté, a girl he met at the club. She’s on a date with him—and his Lochterage. It’s the intense sort of group activity that only athletic people do, because it involves ziplining and competition and other things that make me want to crawl in a hole with my potato chips and laptop and never ever emerge from my cocoon of lazy. But all power to them!
“If girls wanna take pictures of [my abs], just lift up my shirt and take a picture of the real thing.” I don’t really understand how Ryan didn’t figure out that a statue of his abs would be on the wall of his favorite club, and that it would be weird. But he’s still really shocked when he sees it, though maybe he just doesn’t like it because it takes the attention away from his IRL abs. When it comes to his abdominals, Ryan has some real life lessons. Girls, don’t settle. Go for the real thing. And don’t get plastered! …I mean, with plaster. Good advice, courtesy of Ryan Lochte.