Welcome to this week’s installment of Game Of Thrones, with 100% more nudity than your average episode. I mean even for this show, I was impressed. Full frontal and full backal and full jackal (not a thing) and everything. Let’s just dive right in, shall we?
We start out with the wildlings, where Jon Snow and Ygritte are talking about the differences in warfare between free folk and kneelers. Jon confronts Orell about cutting him loose on The Wall; he points out that he cut Ygritte loose too, but she’s not brooding about it. That’s the difference — there are no allegiances, except to Mance Rayder. Every man and woman has to be self-serving, or they will die.
In Robb Stark‘s camp, his men are worried that the Freys will take it as a slight that they’re delayed by rain on the way to the wedding. But Robb quickly forgets his worries with an extended romp with his wife Talisa. Butts and butts and butts. And pregnancy! She’s got a little baby Stark a-brewin’ in her belly, so that’s exciting. So exciting that war gets abandoned again while they make humps.
Back with the wildlings, we’re sticking with our sex theme, as Jon is getting lovemaking tips from Tormund and Orell is telling Ygritte that he wants her. She wants to stay with Jon, though, because she loves him, and because I’d stay with him too if he was getting sex advice from a man named Tormund Giantsbane.
In King’s Landing, Sansa Stark and Margaery Tyrell are walking and talking, Sorkin-style. Sansa’s really upset about having to marry Tyrion Lannister because he’s not pretty and stuff. Margaery wants her to be happy, and tells her to make the best of her circumstances, reminding Sansa that Tyrion has been kind to her, and he’s not the worst of the Lannisters. Also he’s rumored to be very sexually experienced, which is great because most ladies don’t know what they like until they’ve tried it. Sansa asks how Margaery knows that, and she’s like, “Oh yeah um I read it in a book once, no worries.”
Cutaway to the guy version of the same conversation, as Tyrion complains to Bronn about having to marry her. You know, because she’s thirteen and stuff, and that’s massively creepy. Bronn thinks he does want to, but Tyrion is worried, rightly, that Shae will be really pissed off about it.
And now for a brief power play, between Joffrey and Lord Tywin. Joffrey wants Tywin to spy for him at the meetings of his small council. Tywin points out that he could just go himself, but Joffrey seems reluctant to go up and down the stairs to the new location. Tywin offers to have him carried, and that shuts Joffrey up about that. He wants to know about Daenerys Tagaryen and her dragons, and whether they should do something about it. Tywin says no, because he remembers when the skulls of the last dragons used to be displayed in the throne room, and the last one was the size of an apple.
Speaking of Daenerys, what’s she up to? Welp, she’s approaching Yunkai. Jorah Mormont advises her not to sack the city, since its inhabitants will probably just wait her out behind their walls as opposed to meeting her in open battle. She says she has two hundred thousand reasons to attack — the number of slaves within its walls. She tells Grey Worm to tell its leaders, the Wise Masters, that she’ll receive their surrender or sack the city just like Astapor. A slaver comes to offer ships and treasure if she’ll leave her and sail back to Astapor. He says that’s the gift he’s giving her, to which Dany responds she’s giving him the gift of his life in exchange for the Wise Masters freeing all the slaves. She vows to put his gift to good use and recommends he do the same. Once he’s been suitably intimidated by her dragons and leaves, she tells Jorah to find out which powerful friends of Yunkai he was referring to earlier when he was trying to cow her into leaving.
Ugh, time for a Shae scene. I really am not a fan of this actress. She wants to know if she can go to his wedding, and they talk about their potential children and why that wouldn’t make sense. He calls her his lady but she reminds him that she’s actually his whore, and when he’s tired of fucking her, she’ll be nothing. Let’s hope so, yeah?
Also at King’s Landing, Melisandre and Gendry are just arriving, and talking about their heritage. She reveals that even though she’s ascended to high priestess, she was born to a slave, using that moment to tell Gendry that Robert Baratheon was his father.
Deep in the woods somewhere, Arya Stark is pissed at Beric Dondarrion for giving up Gendry. He says he did it to assuage the Lord of Light, but Arya says Death is the one true god, not Rhllor. They find a Lannister raiding party nearby and are going to attack, but Arya runs off when she finds out they’d have to go south and not to Riverrun, so she could be reunited with her family. As she runs through the forest away from the camp, she’s captured by The Hound. Ruh-roh.
And now to my dream team — Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth. Jaime is leaving tomorrow, but Brienne has to stay. She reminds Jaime that they each promised Catelyn Stark to return her daughters to her, and says that if he does that, his debt to Brienne will be repaid. He swears he will, and rides off with Qyburn.
And now to the world of sexytime again, this time between Theon Greyjoy and a couple rando girls, who apparently really want to have sex with him for no reason. Watch out, Theon, ITSATRAP. They give him water and start nakedly dry humping him (full frontal from the ladies, ayooo) talking about his famous dick. Oh and then hello captor guy blowing your horn right in the middle. I’ve been expecting you…and you’re gonna cut Theon’s dick off while he begs for mercy, aren’t you? We don’t see it, but I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going down. Poor Theon.
Back to Jon and Ygritte, who thinks a windmill that they’ve come across must be a palace. Jon says he wants to bring her back to Winterfell to really impress her, and warns that the wildlings will not win in an attack. It’s happened six times through history, and six times they’ve failed. If they attack The Wall, they’ll all die, to which Ygritte responds, “If we die, we die. But first…we’ll live.” True dat, girl. True dat.
In another forest somewhere, Bran Stark and Jojen Reed are talking, which is really pissing Osha off. Jojen says he’s trying to explain to Bran what’s happening to him and what it all means, revealing in the process that they’re not going to Castle Black. For one thing, Jon Snow isn’t even there, and for another, Bran needs to find the raven beyond the wall. What if he fell from that tower for a reason? Osha says the gods don’t care about him, or anyone, which they would know if they’d ever lived in the north. She had a lover, but he disappeared and came back as a wight, who tried to kill her. He was so intent that she had to stab him through the heart, and when that didn’t work, she had to burn their hut down with him inside. She didn’t have to ask the gods what it meant, and she doesn’t doesn’t want to go back.
On the road, Qyburn is treating Jaime’s stub so well that Jaime wants to know why the Citadel took his chain. Qyburn says curiosity is his weakness, and that he got in trouble for doing experiments on the bodies of the dying, which he only did to save lives, according to him. Jaime is digusted, but he’s killed too many people of his own to really sit on his high horse. He finds out that Qyburn sent a raven to Brienne’s father, but that his ransom offer was refused because everyone believed Jaime’s story about the sapphires and they thought the offer was insultingly low. They don’t mind her dying, now, so she’ll be that evening’s entertainment. Jaime rushes back (hurray!), and finds Brienne in the bear pit, set to fight a huge bear with only a wooden sword. Jaime offers to pay her ransom, but Vargo refuses because seeing her die is worth more to him than gold, just as Jaime losing his hand was worth more than any amount that his father would pay.
Meanwhile in the pit, Brienne gets mauled and Jaime jumps into the pit to distract the bear. His guardian shoots it with a crossbow because he’s been charged with getting Jaime to King’s Landing alive. While the bear is distracted, Jaime boosts Brienne out of the pit and she pulls him out behind her in a pretty killer action scene. I was stressed. Vargo still wants to keep Brienne at Harrenhal, but Jaime says he’ll have to kill him if he wants to take her, because he knows his own life is more important to Lord Bolton than Vargo being happy. They go off together. Bad. Ass.