Did you know that Breaking Amish returns this very Sunday. Yep, that’s right. All your favorite former Amish kids (and their token Mennonite friend) are back to test our Internet stalking skills again with their Florida spin-off, Breaking Amish: Brave New World. As if the show wasn’t already a complete shitshow, they’re going to Florida. Ten bucks says Jeremiah convinces Abe to wrestle an alligator during the premiere. And Abe Schmucker will stutter and be like, “C’mon Jeremiah Raber that seems unsafe, I don’t think Rebecca would want me doing that. DO NOT ASK REBECCA ABOUT HER BABY’S FATHER. Okay, fine, I’ll wrestle this here alligator and then I’ll Skype my mom about it and she’ll ask me to come home and be Amish again and you’ll be like why does an Amish lady have Skype and oh golly goodness, why is Kate naked and talking to that homeless man?”
I hated watching Breaking Amish last year, and yet I watched and recapped every single episode. Not only because I’m a modern day masochist, but also because I’m just like them. No, I wasn’t raised Amish. And no I didn’t go on a reality show, pretend to be Amish, ooo and ahhh over bikinis and then reveal myself to be a divorcee with a child who may or may not have broken Amish several years before the show aired. No I’m like them in the sense that I often lie. Except when I do it, I don’t get a TV show. I just get another defeated sigh from my mother and a muttered, “I don’t know what I did wrong to get such a mean child.” Although I suppose they didn’t technically lie the way I do on the reg, they just omit the truth when it mattered. Like when they said they hadn’t ever gotten drunk before, they meant they hadn’t ever gotten drunk in front of the TLC cameras before.
So with the spirit of omission in mind, I thought we could talk about some of their biggest breaking truth moments from season one. While I’m not 100% sure they ever said these things on camera, they certainly alluded to to them being true. After all, the entire show revolved around the idea that these 5 kids hadn’t ever been a part of our society before.
1. “We’re leaving for the Amish community for the first time ever. That’s why we’re wearing these Amish outfits. Jeans? What are these jeans your folks keep talking about?”
False. All five of the adults featured on the show left the Amish community before starring on the show. Maybe they still lived in the Amish community and maybe they still had contacts within the Amish community, but they were not religious leading up to the show.
2. “We’re all single and ready to mingle and we’ve never mingled before so watch out for awkward encounters and tender moments.”
False-ish. Jeremiah, Sabrina and Rebecca both got married and divorced before the show aired. Sure they weren’t good marriages, but they’re still marriages. Oh also Abe and Rebecca knew each other before the show. In the italicized knew each other way. Soooo their whole courtship (and giggle fits over seeing each other in bathing suits) were, in retrospect, ridiculous.
3. “We don’t have children….but if we do, we’re going to act like you’re the crazy one for being surprised. And then we’ll attack you for asking any questions because all of a sudden we care about privacy.”
False. Rebecca has a baby who’s alleged father is rumored to be Abe. You know what else is also rumored on the streets of Allegation City? Rebecca cheated on her husband with Abe.
4. “We’ve never drank before. This alchy-hall sure taste funny going down my throat tube.”
5. “We’re not used to modern conveniences, for example, how do these voices come through this phone-a-ma-bob?”
Except for the time when Kate got drunk in Florida, drove a car and got a DUI. Other than that, technology is totally blech! Why use a car when you can use a horse and buggy!? Am I right or am I right or am the only one confused as to the timeline of their lives?
6. “We don’t understand how reality TV works and therefore did not think that anyone would Google us and find out about our real lives.”
Okay fine, this one is true. It’s just so odd that I have to include it in a conversation about season one. I know the premise of this show is that they don’t know how anything works, but their performance during the reunion bordered on INSANE. They truly acted as if they didn’t know that their public pasts would come out. Abe actually had the balls to act like it’s crazy that people would want to know who fathered Rebecca’s secret baby. The reunion host appeared to not know what to do with them since they refused to even have a civil conversation. Hence why the reunion was the best part of the entire first season. It’s the first time we saw the real people behind the Amish actors. And tell you what, those real people aren’t super bright or savvy when it comes to reality TV. Which as we all know is what makes reality TV work so well. Well done TLC, you’ve managed to win again.
So with that in mind, please join me as watch the spin-off premiere this Sunday night on TLC! Let’s see what kind of hijinks these kids get up to now that they’re famous — and according to the promotional photo, able to walk on water.