Poor Taylor Swift. Every time someone tries to defend her, she comes off sounding more and more like a senile cat lady trapped in the body of a beautiful blonde pop star. Which is particularly disturbing because it means that somewhere out, there’s an energetic old lady with an extra spring in her step and a doctor who diagnosed her as “straight up crazy” for continuing to insist that she went to bed a band geek and woke up in a nursing home. But that’s a horror story for a different time. Perhaps best told during a Goosebumps fan fiction writing contest or as a bedtime story to children who aspire to be famous.
Unsure what I’m taking about right now? Just read this recent quote from her opening act Ed Sheeran. While I believe he’s trying to portray Taylor Swift as a totally normal 23-year-old who just happens to be famous, he actually makes her sound like a totally normal 103-year-old who just happens to still be alive.
“She’s so down to earth, despite being one of the biggest acts of the planet, you don’t really see that side of her unless she’s on stage,” Sheeran said.”When she’s on stage, she’s an entertainer and a performer, but when she’s off stage, she spends half the time tossing cat treats to her cat.
Did you see the amount of time he allotted to Taylor Swift tossing cat treats to her cat? HALF HER TIME. While this not only cuts into her antiquing time, it probably also cuts into her acting-like-a-normal-person time. Even though I’m not a cat person myself, I know people who own cats. And none of them devote half of their time to tossing their cats treats. Do cats even like treats? I feel like cats do not like treats — and if they did, they would not let you see them enjoying those treats. That’s why I personally hate cats. They’re just like your friend who’s constantly walking around like there’s a rain cloud following her around, even though her life’s full of amazing things like metaphorical scratching posts and a human being who shovels her shit for her. I don’t know, I’m going off on a tangent here — but my point is that I don’t think Taylor’s making the best use of her free time.
Perhaps the next time someone steps forward to make her sound totally cool and down-to-earth, they can say something more normal. Like, “Taylor spends half her time snapchatting inappropriate photos to her friends.” Or “Taylor spends half her time saying she plans to get out of bed before noon on Saturday, but ends up deciding that it’s actually the right day to start watching Homeland and ends up staying in bed for the next three days until she’s completely caught up” or even “Taylor spends half her time trying to pick the Instagram filter that makes her look the most tan.”
Any of those things are normal things that normal people do. So next time someone attempts to make Taylor Swift not sound like the kind of person who buys ginormous Rhode Island mansions on a whim, they should do a little research on what it is that non-famous people actually do.
(Photo: Ralph, PacificCoastNews.com)