When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of the day that some famous man would put a baby in my belly and then go live far away in Paris, France during my pregnancy, remaining utterly aloof and unreachable while the media crows over my (understandably) ballooning weight. Siiiiigh. Oh wait, no I absolutely never wished that, because it sounds like the worst thing ever. But regardless, fairytales really do come true, because Kanye West has done this very thing for his own baby mama, Miss Kim Kardashian herself — what a kind and generous gift!
We already know that Kim isn’t surrounded with the best people — a fact that became especially clear to those of us who saw that ‘couch with gloves’ outfit that she wore to the Met Gala this past weekend — but did you guys know that Kanye literally does not have a cell phone? Aka his pregnant girlfriend Kim has no way of getting in touch with him on her own terms:
“He doesn’t have a cellphone. You get in touch with him through email or someone on his team calls you. Kim gets told by Kanye when she should call him in Paris, and sometimes it is a small window of time. Because of the time difference, she may be tired during that time, but to not miss the chance to talk to him, she actually sets alarms to wake up and call him.”
Oh hell no. I’m not even pregnant and I wouldn’t stand for that. But if you do get me preggers, I think we can both agree that you just made a nonverbal covenant to carve nine months out of your life in which to be a supportive motherfucker, and that does not include making me call you ON THE PHONE IN PARIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. Nay nay nay. You better check yourself, Yeezy, before you wake up and you’re dating a baguette.
Also get a phone, you scrub. Merde.